I feel like I have felt almost every emotion there is to feel in the world today....
I'm very thankful that God doesn't act RASHLY on His emotions and that He is in control. He is my stedfastness, in my insanity. Migraine=pain=Ruthie's head.
Right now, the biggest thing that's running through my head is that it's amazing how much God loves dirty sinners. Man, and that He even made the universe, even though He knew we were going to fall into sin and that Jesus would die for the sin we have.
In the last couple of hours, there have been so many emotional mountaintops and valleys in a matter of minutes. It makes me so speechless how God is above that, how He stays the same, how He never leaves, how He loves conditionally, how He is good, how He is God. I hope and pray that I will never be brought to unbelief. That I will never believe the lie.
Mr. Morgan preached tonight in HFC, and boy, it was totally what I needed to hear at that moment. God really encouraged my heart and brought me back to the point of realization that NOTHING EVER IS EVER ABOUT ME. It's not. It never has been. It never will be. It's always been about God. There was a part that really stuck out to me; it was about knowing in your heart that you're truly saved. I was really thanking God that I know for CEREAL that if I died right now, I would be with Him in heaven.
There's something about Jesus...something else. I don't know how to describe it. I don't know where to begin. There is true hope in Him. True love. True rest. He is Truth...everything makes sense when I rest in the heart of my Savior. when I am still, and He is God.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Calm in the storm.
There's a tropical depression right now. Pretty spiffy, if you ask me; but it's probably not for the the high school guys' soccer team (who I do believe is undefeated at this point), since their game got postponed. Tears. And I was even thinking about watching today...
Anywho, the wind is blowing, the rain is falling, the sun is hiding. Things like that. I love it. I love rainy, stormy, gloomy weather. Yesterday, I noticed something different about the air. I couldn't explain it, but it smelled different, felt different, and it even BLEW different. Literal winds of change? It was like I felt it in my bones....
A lot of things happened yesterday as well as today. Interesting to me how big things tend to come all at once. The events that took place were a long time coming, but the activation keys had to be now, duh. It's overwhelming...
But God is really teaching me a lot about what peace is. Peace isn't calm situations and a chill life. Peace isn't being lazy...I've always imagined in my mind's eye that peace was like a pond. A peaceful pond. ;) The water has no waves. The birds chirp happily. The sun shines brightly. The frogs croak. The fish swim. There is not a cloud in the sky. Picture it? That's not really peace. To me, it sounds like unattainable perfection. I think peace is like a huge sea of water. The wind howls. The rain pours down torrentially. The sky is a deep grey. The waves go up higher than your head and crash down onto the boat your in. It's not even a large boat. It's like one of those cute little rowboats, yet you could just sit there without worry--knowing that God made the world; therefore, God controls it. The surroundings scream WORRY, PAIN, AGONY, yet God's still, small voice whispers to your heart, "Peace, be still."
Another random analogy, I think of a snowglobe. You can turn it upside down, shake it, whatever. The thing in the middle (whatever it is) doesn't move. It's held down my something stronger than it.
I don't know if that made sense...
Anywho, the wind is blowing, the rain is falling, the sun is hiding. Things like that. I love it. I love rainy, stormy, gloomy weather. Yesterday, I noticed something different about the air. I couldn't explain it, but it smelled different, felt different, and it even BLEW different. Literal winds of change? It was like I felt it in my bones....
A lot of things happened yesterday as well as today. Interesting to me how big things tend to come all at once. The events that took place were a long time coming, but the activation keys had to be now, duh. It's overwhelming...
But God is really teaching me a lot about what peace is. Peace isn't calm situations and a chill life. Peace isn't being lazy...I've always imagined in my mind's eye that peace was like a pond. A peaceful pond. ;) The water has no waves. The birds chirp happily. The sun shines brightly. The frogs croak. The fish swim. There is not a cloud in the sky. Picture it? That's not really peace. To me, it sounds like unattainable perfection. I think peace is like a huge sea of water. The wind howls. The rain pours down torrentially. The sky is a deep grey. The waves go up higher than your head and crash down onto the boat your in. It's not even a large boat. It's like one of those cute little rowboats, yet you could just sit there without worry--knowing that God made the world; therefore, God controls it. The surroundings scream WORRY, PAIN, AGONY, yet God's still, small voice whispers to your heart, "Peace, be still."
Another random analogy, I think of a snowglobe. You can turn it upside down, shake it, whatever. The thing in the middle (whatever it is) doesn't move. It's held down my something stronger than it.
I don't know if that made sense...
Absolutely.
I have to write about. I really do. I tried to avoid it, but I couldn't.
Since last Friday, I have successfully climbed the tree I've been yearning all my life to climb. It's not a very high tree. It's not a very spectacular tree, but it is the tree that I've desired to climb ever since I was a little girl.
It was beautiful up there. I was up high enough that I was almost parallel to where the sun was at the moment, and the leaves are so abundant in that memory-laden tree that it cast such glorious shadows on the limbs of that tree. There was a golden aura around the leaves. It was amazing. I wish I had the guts to stay longer up where I was. I wanted to smell the sunshine. Aww man. I love the feeling of the bark under your hands and just the risk of getting all cut up and sticky from the sap. It's awesome. I absolutely loved it.
Since last Friday, I have successfully climbed the tree I've been yearning all my life to climb. It's not a very high tree. It's not a very spectacular tree, but it is the tree that I've desired to climb ever since I was a little girl.
It was beautiful up there. I was up high enough that I was almost parallel to where the sun was at the moment, and the leaves are so abundant in that memory-laden tree that it cast such glorious shadows on the limbs of that tree. There was a golden aura around the leaves. It was amazing. I wish I had the guts to stay longer up where I was. I wanted to smell the sunshine. Aww man. I love the feeling of the bark under your hands and just the risk of getting all cut up and sticky from the sap. It's awesome. I absolutely loved it.
Your love keeps lifting me higher.
"Lord, I'm all in. Let's do this. I don't want control over my life. All that I have, all that I am, it's all Yours.
Take the sin that makes me human, and purify it. Cleanse me. I want to be right with You. All the bitterness and hatred, it's Yours to cover with Your healing. All the lying and unkind words, it's Yours to cover with Your gentleness. All the pride and self-righteousness, it's Yours to cover with Your humility. All the shame and the guilt, it's Yours to cover with Your acceptance. I don't want to live in sin. I want my heart to beat like Yours and be with Yours.
Take my life and use it however You please. I will go to the ends of the earth, the depths of the sea, the heights of the mountains...what ever it takes. I want You to use my life in a way that will show the world how much I love You and the awe-striking glory that You are. I want to be known as a consecrated, committed child of God.
Take my heart that longs for fulfillment aside from you. Bind it to Your heart. I want to feel the warmth of Your everlasting love. I want to be so lost in the vast oceans of Your mercies. Keep my heart in Yours. I want You to have my whole heart, not the bits and pieces. I want to have a heart after Your heart. Lord, what breaks Your heart, I want it to break mine; what angers Your heart, I want it to anger mine; what delights Your heart, I want my heart to be overflowing with joy.
Heart and soul, I'm Yours."
Take the sin that makes me human, and purify it. Cleanse me. I want to be right with You. All the bitterness and hatred, it's Yours to cover with Your healing. All the lying and unkind words, it's Yours to cover with Your gentleness. All the pride and self-righteousness, it's Yours to cover with Your humility. All the shame and the guilt, it's Yours to cover with Your acceptance. I don't want to live in sin. I want my heart to beat like Yours and be with Yours.
Take my life and use it however You please. I will go to the ends of the earth, the depths of the sea, the heights of the mountains...what ever it takes. I want You to use my life in a way that will show the world how much I love You and the awe-striking glory that You are. I want to be known as a consecrated, committed child of God.
Take my heart that longs for fulfillment aside from you. Bind it to Your heart. I want to feel the warmth of Your everlasting love. I want to be so lost in the vast oceans of Your mercies. Keep my heart in Yours. I want You to have my whole heart, not the bits and pieces. I want to have a heart after Your heart. Lord, what breaks Your heart, I want it to break mine; what angers Your heart, I want it to anger mine; what delights Your heart, I want my heart to be overflowing with joy.
Heart and soul, I'm Yours."
Conversations.
--I am sitting on the lanai of the Family Life Center, sick as can be. The sky is a blazing pink and orange slowly fading up to a deep blue yonder. Thoughts swirling through my head at dizzying speeds. Fatigue crawling through my skin. A faint rustling sound is heard in the still, solemn silence of the wind. I look into the depths of the sunset......
My stomach drops. I feel sick. Slowly, I ease myself down so that I am looking straight up into the starlit sky. A peace falls over me. The thoughts come to a halt. I hear a still, small voice...
"Ruthie, what is it that you really want?"
-To be loved, Lord. That's what I really want.
"Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." (1 John 4:10)
"What else, Ruthie? I know there's more."
-To be accepted, Father, I want to be accepted.
"...Wherein He hath made us accepted in the beloved..." (Ephesians 1:6)
"Am I enough for you?"
-You are my Shepherd. I shall not want. (Ps 23:1)
"Can you live this life without Me?"
-My flesh and my heart faileth, but You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Ps 73:26)
"Do people mean more to you than I do, Ruthie?"
-...Whom have I in heaven but Thee? There is none upon the earth that I desire beside Thee. (Ps 73:25)
"Where is your heart?"
-Far away from the shores of Your heart, Father.
"Ruthie, where is your heart?"
-No longer lost in the vast oceans of Your mercies.
"Where should your heart be?"
-In Your presence is fulness of joy. (Ps 16:11)
My stomach drops. I feel sick. Slowly, I ease myself down so that I am looking straight up into the starlit sky. A peace falls over me. The thoughts come to a halt. I hear a still, small voice...
"Ruthie, what is it that you really want?"
-To be loved, Lord. That's what I really want.
"Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." (1 John 4:10)
"What else, Ruthie? I know there's more."
-To be accepted, Father, I want to be accepted.
"...Wherein He hath made us accepted in the beloved..." (Ephesians 1:6)
"Am I enough for you?"
-You are my Shepherd. I shall not want. (Ps 23:1)
"Can you live this life without Me?"
-My flesh and my heart faileth, but You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Ps 73:26)
"Do people mean more to you than I do, Ruthie?"
-...Whom have I in heaven but Thee? There is none upon the earth that I desire beside Thee. (Ps 73:25)
"Where is your heart?"
-Far away from the shores of Your heart, Father.
"Ruthie, where is your heart?"
-No longer lost in the vast oceans of Your mercies.
"Where should your heart be?"
-In Your presence is fulness of joy. (Ps 16:11)
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Year's Eve
It's the last day of 2008. Imagine that. This year went by so fast.
Some thoughts of the past year:
2008 definitely brought the healing I prayed for. All the relationships that I felt were shot, God brought reconciliation. When I felt insecure at home, God brought me closer to Him. When I felt insecure about my friendships, God brought me closer to my church family.
Two years ago, 2007, God took away a lot of things I made my little g god. He took away. Last year God made whole what I thought was broken. For me, I think 2009 will bring a lot of growing.
Some thoughts of the past year:
2008 definitely brought the healing I prayed for. All the relationships that I felt were shot, God brought reconciliation. When I felt insecure at home, God brought me closer to Him. When I felt insecure about my friendships, God brought me closer to my church family.
Two years ago, 2007, God took away a lot of things I made my little g god. He took away. Last year God made whole what I thought was broken. For me, I think 2009 will bring a lot of growing.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Life in a day
We ran a mile on the soccer field yesterday. The paintball tent that used to be at the end of the field is no longer existent. However, in its place, there is a patch of my favorite weed flowers. It's of the same kind that I was playing with the first week. I like to think that that patch is there and because of me. It's probably not though.
I am back. I'm sitting on a bench at the Plaza de Espana. It's quite nice really. Everything looks so clear and pretty through my new glasses. I love the lighting here. It's so picturesque. It's so gorgeous. I often imagine what this place looked like back in it's glory day.
What if there was a girl my age? What did she think? How did she feel? Did she ever wonder if there truly is a God? Did she like a boy that lived on the complex? A soldier? Was their love typical legend forbiddeness? I wonder. Did she read? Did she like to write? Did she ever wonder about someone like me? Maybe she had a beautiful mind worth uncovering, but she was so looked down upon or lowly or unbeautiful that no one ever took the time to?
I am back. I'm sitting on a bench at the Plaza de Espana. It's quite nice really. Everything looks so clear and pretty through my new glasses. I love the lighting here. It's so picturesque. It's so gorgeous. I often imagine what this place looked like back in it's glory day.
What if there was a girl my age? What did she think? How did she feel? Did she ever wonder if there truly is a God? Did she like a boy that lived on the complex? A soldier? Was their love typical legend forbiddeness? I wonder. Did she read? Did she like to write? Did she ever wonder about someone like me? Maybe she had a beautiful mind worth uncovering, but she was so looked down upon or lowly or unbeautiful that no one ever took the time to?
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