Emotionally worn-out.

I can officially say that for the SECOND time in my life, I have felt almost every emotion in the world there is to feel today.
Officially. :)
Now If you're going to read this, please don't miss the end.
It's ok to skip the middle, but the end...that's what this is about.

Let's see.
I got in a fight with my best friend today.
I made her cry.
I made her angry.
Two things that NEVER happen.
Asia hardly ever cries.
Asia hardly ever gets angry.
And she did both...today.
Because of me.

So like today after English class, Asia and I ALWAYS walk together to Skeens' classroom. Well, today, I walked behind her, and she did even acknowledge I was there. After dropping our stuff off in his classroom, she walks out ahead of me; she didn't wait for me; we ALWAYS wait for each other. Then as I fall in the queue for lunch, we make eye contact. I smile sweetly at her. She just stares at me like I have a big sign on my forehead that says, "Loser." I brushed it off. Maybe she wasn't feeling well. We're in queues right next to each other. She was talking to Patrick, and I wanted to talk to her too, so I called her, "Asia! Asia! Asia!" She wasn't responding. I just figured she couldn't hear me. Later, after moving up two people in our queue, I called her again. And again she didn't answer. I was seriously fed up. I knew that it wasn't just she "couldn't hear me." So..being the ridiculously bold person I am, I shouted, "ARE YOU IGNORING ME!!!!" She just looked at me like I was a frog and slowly nodded her head. Wow, I felt stupid. I continued to ask her if she was ok and what was wrong. She obviously didn't want to talk to me. Shoot. It was right then that I knew my best friend was angry. At me.

I sat down at our table, like nothing was wrong. She and Jan both looked at me like I had just interrupted them talking about me. Shoot. Carefully, I ate my food. I did not say a word, only when appropriate. There was like an invisible wall between the both of us. It was ridiculous. As soon as my food was finished, I left. I don't really remember where I went, but I remember that I started crying.

I made my way over to our break area when I knew it was break time. I saw Luke and Asia talking, and I was instantly angered. In my head, I thought, "What?? That girl has the audacity to tell THAT boy all that's going on? And she won't even tell ME! Good grief! She and I have been best friends since I was THREE YEARS OLD! And how long have we known Luke?? A YEAR AND A HALF." Ugh. I was so angry. I walked over there with the biggest attitude problem I have ever had in a really long time. I looked at her like there were daggers coming out of my eyes. I thought to myself, "GIRRRRL! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" Actually, it's pretty comical to think about it now.

Anyway. I made her talk. Man, if looks could kill, she would be dead. I was messed up. She told me what was wrong. (Note sudden mood swing) All of a sudden, what she had to say to me melted my heart. The pride and self-righteousness I felt inside of me and the anger on my face withered away and I just started CRYING! Not even funny. The people around us faded and all I could see was Asia and the tears streaming down her face. I gave her the biggest hug, and I whispered into her ear, "Girl! I love you. And I hate everything that hurts you, even if that's something I've done." She, now experiencing reconciliation, slowly whispered into my ear. "Nan, I love you." Those three words. They mean a lot.

Between friends.
Between best friends.
Between people.
Between God and me.
They change lives.
"I love you."

Love isn't tolerance. Love doesn't eliminate hate. Love channels that hate into loathing anything that will hurt the person it loves. That's one of the reasons God hates sin, because sin hurts His beloved. (God hates sin because He is a holy God, but for right now, that's a little beside the point...but it's still important!!!)

Today. I felt that too.
I felt hatred for thoughts and actions of mine that happened too early.
Thoughts and actions that started as seeds in a package.
But because of my haste and foolish thinking, I planted them.
And as all well-taken care of plants,
They bloomed.
My dreams as flowers danced happily and carefree in the cool spring air.
The flowers danced but for awhile.
The ever-glorious Sun knew that now wasn't the right time, but O Blessed Sun knew those flowers were watered by a heart that desired to do right, a heart that didn't want to get hurt, a heart that fully trusted that the Sun knew what He was doing.
That Sun gave me a pair of scissors today.
I snipped those flowers.
Maybe not quite in the bud, but they're not dancing in the breeze tonight.
I've taken them home.
And tucked them away.
I've folded them in with letters of hopes of mine.
One of those hopes...
Is to one day take those flowers that I planted...
And compare them with even more beautiful, even more precious flowers that the Sun grew all by Himself.
Not me. I didn't plant them. I just let the Sun do His thing.
And the Sun will do and has done a far better job than this sentimental dreamer that has her head in the clouds and her heart on her sleeve.

Change.

For some strange reason, I feel so hurt...like I'm being punished for something I never did. Now I'm seriously trying hard to function as normally as possible and NOT act super melodramatic. Surprisingly, I've somehow managed to cry very little. I feel as if I cried as much as I really feel like crying, I would drown the whole world. Like every time I think about what happened, or really what's going on, I get this weird, heavy feeling in my chest, and it feels like I can't breathe, like I'm being suffocated by sadness and there is no remedy. But there is and I know it. And I need it. Desperately. I think the only reasons I'm still alive are, one I'm scared out of my mind to ever attempt anything, and two Jesus knows what's up. He knows I'm incredibly hurt. He knows He's the real reason I'm trying not to be bitter. I don't think I'm angry or anything. I know I'm completely confused right now. God's Word never meant so much to before right now. Well, I really wish a lot of things, and I still don't know how I really feel or what I should do. But I do know: God's love is BETTER than life.

I wrote that Christmas 2007, when Mom had to have surgery...and things were just really bad for her, for our family...for me.

I am sitting here at a fiesta-style table in the warm glow of Christmas lights. I can hear voices of people I honestly don't know, unlike the last time I wrote like this. But this time, there is a warmth in my heart that I did not quite have last time. I have found that as life changes, one must change with is or get lost in the current of the fast-moving river of life. 

Change is scary; it's probably the thing I'm most scared of in this world, but with change, comes progress, and we can never move forward without progress. Change brings fear only because when it comes, it is when one most believes life is good and would most love for the current state of things to stay the same. Change brings fear because it brings one to the edge of the unknown. Every thing one has thought and established is now crossing the point of difference.

That's where a very important choice comes in--the choice to linger in fear or the choice to take heart. The choice to give up that fear and let Jesus take the wheel. Trust. To know that through the change there is Someone who will be there every step of the way. No valley walked alone. No mountaintop left unrejoiced. I love that Jesus envelops us in His love. 

Courage to face the unknown, but trusting in the Lord "with whom there is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. (James 1:17)" All in all, change with the right perspective and focus on the right Person is good for us. Nothing ever happens without change, whether that be something good or bad, but "we know that all things work together for good to them that love God... (Romans 8:28)." And I love God. Therefore, that means God has something good in store no matter the circumstances.

Somehow the two entries tie together. I don't know how to write a segue accurately transitioning the two main thoughts...I know I write about change a lot. That's what 2008 has brought..for the most part.
Change. And Healing.

This has been on my mind a bunch lately...and I've been meaning to repost this for a couple weeks now, I just didn't know where I had posted it...:)

Do I really need a reason?

Currently-like right now at 20:46 on a Friday night the 24th of April of 2009 (gotta love the details), 

I am thankful.

I am happy.

I am moved.

I am joyful.

I am soaring a million miles off the ground.

No words I could come up with can do justice to the bubbling emotion building up inside of me.

It's a feeling of knowing.

A feeling of admiration.

A feeling of honor.

A feeling of gratefulness.

A feeling of acceptance.

A feeling of respect.

A feeling of deep, deep...like. 

I don't know how to explain it. I don't know when it started. I don't know what it is. 

When did you let your heart run free?

Was it out of the blue?

Have you been waiting long?

I love this feeling.

I am so, so thankful. Many amazing things happened today.

(Luke is ridiculous.) 

If only I had the words to write it, the music to play it, and the paintbrush to capture it.

But most importantly, the people to share it with. 

It's beautiful.  

Wednesday.

List. 

-I fell asleep in class today. I fell asleep in English. Horrible. We were watching a video about Shakespeare, which is interesting, but I already knew that stuff. I sit in front of the a/c, so I was all cozy like...so I just dozed off. It was weird. I never do that. 

-We took a mondo crazy test in Bio today. I was the first one to finish, like always, but I sort of made up half of the test, so maybe that didn't really count.

-Our chapel was really good. I know that I should probably expound on that, but I am too distracted to write something worthwhile.

I don't really remember what happened today....I'm beginning to forget a HEAP of things. Maybe this is what happens when I'm behind on my journal!!! Argh. It's ok. 

And every time I try to think about what I want or what I "remember"...I only think of me wanting flowers. It's pretty weird. 

I JUST WANT IT TO BE SUMMER ALREADY. Sort of.  No...I'm glad we still have school....

4 weeks from today. SUMMER. 

Tuesday.

News/highlights/ramblings...

-I am now officially one week behind on my journal. I'm at Wednesday of last week...My memory will eventually fail me. D:

-The guys just won their game against GW tonight. And it was pretty much the most amazing game (well, one of them) I've been to in awhile. It was insane. The JV team won in two sets, I think. In my opinion, either the other team was really off or our team was just owning them in the first set. (The grammar of that sentence irritates me, but I'm too lazy to fix it.) The second set practically killed me...So much suspense!!! Same with the Varsity game. Mariah predicted what was gonna happen, and she was right on. We'd win the first set (which we did), the second set would be really close and make it seem like we'd win (which happened) and would result in an even closer third set...but we'd still win. :) She said that GW isn't a team to give up so easily. 

Way to be then, guys. I love watching volleyball. The suspense is thrilling.

-All the paperwork for my science project is all finished, if only the rough drafts. ;)

I can't think of much else. D: 

Tomorrow's Wednesday. I love Wednesdays. For a million different reasons. (Don't worry. This one doesn't come with a list of why I love Wednesdays.) 

#26 and another Happy Monday.

Today was a really good day. 

Words to describe today:

-Rambunctious. 

-Fun-filled

-Ironic.

(by far the most accurate...)

-FREE.

Random highlights about today.

-I found out that the Skeenses (is that the right plural form of Skeens??) are leaving after this year. I'm bummed. When he told our class this during Algebra this afternoon, I wanted to cry. I don't know why...he's a cool teacher and I don't think I would have gotten this far in Algebra without failing without him. D: (maybe this isn't really a highlight...like in a good way, but hey it did happen...if that matters)

-I found out that I don't have to fail at science fair!!!! There is hope!!!

-I found out that Mrs. Denton has high expectations of me, and even though my classmates thought my dramatic piece was right on...she thought it was not satisfactory, not sufficient, not acceptable. Blegh. I'm not saying this in a proud way, but I suppose those expectations come when one knows that I'm in drama...and am somewhat good at acting. FAIL. She wants me to win first place at Finals this weekend, and I'm assuming she will not accept anything less than that. She thinks I can win first. She says I have to want it. I do...but not enough to really work my tail off...which I think is not really wanting it. FAIL. Whatever. I'm an NFL member. I'll be able to put that on my college apps. I'll get a cord at graduation. That's enough for me. I like theatre acting, not competition acting.

-I found out that I have a chance at being recommended into Honors English next year!!! But the only thing in the way of that recommendation is the fact that I perpetually turn Vocab lists in late. And according to the English gurus at HCA, late homework is unacceptable and intolerable in Honors English. 

-I found out that I can be easily persuaded into telling people deep things about myself I didn't know I was going to share with them in the first place. I think I'm overly transparent. Is that possible? Well, if it is, then that's what I am.

Ok. I just realized that each new thing I wrote about in this list started out with "I found out that." Weird. 

In other news, clapping chalkboard erasers is actually bad for you. I don't know why teachers make kids do that...I mean, I don't think that inhaling chalk dust is healthy. Anyway, I had to do that today, out of my own volition, however. It brought back memories. I was helping Miss Martin in her classroom, cleaning her chalkboard amongst other things. :) Funny. I laughed so hard when I was all done. My laughter is explosive I've found out, and it's far, far, far too loud.

Oh. About #26. #26 on my list of what I want to do before I die (or as Jon affectionately called it, "Ruthie's Bucket List") is "Learn how to multiply by 9." GUESS WHAT?!?!

I learned how to multiply by 9 today! I'm so proud of myself. And of all the random people to teach me such an intellectual feat, Luke taught me!!! Isn't that awesome?? Well. I actually think it's funny...and ironic. Just kidding, Luke!!!  Anyway, he taught me how using my hands. If whoever reads this (which I actually think is just like...two people) ever wanted to know, I'd be more than glad to teach you how to multiply by 9 with your hands!! It's fun!!

There, Luke. Happier?

All right. I'm off to go pursue that hope for my science project.

I love being Ruthie. 

It's awesome. I wonder if anyone would like to try it sometime.

Wait. That might be dangerous. I'm an expert at being me and I still get hurt about every 5 minutes. ;) Just kidding.

 I love Mondays too. :) 

This is me.

*sigh* I don't really know what to say....

Let's just start with facts.

My name is Ruthie.

I'm a broken person.

My heart hurts. 

I have some major insecurities.

Most people think I'm happy all the time, and I usually am....

But deep down, my heart longs for love. 

No, not weird wanna-be-loved-by-a-boy kind of love. 

Just to be loved.

Totally and completely.

Regardless of who I am and what I've done.

I've grown up thinking that I was exempt from feeling this way.

Just because Mom and Dad stayed together.

Just because I had my Dad around while I was growing up.

Just because Mom and I had a really good relationship. 

Just because my sister and I never really fought and I never really knew how she felt about me.

All my life, I never really knew if Dad loved me. 

Oh, I knew he loved me, but I didn't know if it was the "oh yeah I love her 'cause she's my daughter"...I wanted to know if Dad loved me like the "OH yes I LOVE her. She's my daughter." I don't know if anyone else has felt this way...or if this was just a father-daughter thing, but I know the hurt was real for me. 

Oh, it hurt a lot. It was something I could hide, though. I didn't want to feel the pain...I didn't want other people to know that I didn't know, or was so hurt, or was so insecure. I pushed it to the back of mind, trying to find other ways to suppress that hurt and to fill up the emptiness.

Elementary it was getting good grades.

6th grade it was swimming and working myself so hard to the point where I passed out. Twice.

7th grade it was rebellion and bad friends.

8th grade it was being loud and overly outgoing. Putting on face for people.

9th grade it was wrong relationships.

10th grade...now? I don't know. Hanging out with the guys because they cared. If that makes sense.

"I tried to be perfect.

I tried to be honest.

I tried to be everything that you ever wanted.

I tried to be stronger.

I tried to be smarter.

I tried to be everything but you..."

That's pretty much what I had been thinking all these years. 

Today. Today, I finally faced the music. The heartache and pain that I've pushed away for all these years, I finally understood why I hurt so much. I never wanted to admit that I was insecure, never wanted to admit that I hurt. Finally, I realized that- yes, I did want to know if Dad loved me. yes, I was hurting. yes, it was ok that I was hurting....but what I did with that hurt was wrong. I tried to fix it myself. I tried to take control. I tried to be God. FAIL. 

It never hit me that God's love overwhelms emptiness, heartache and pain. He loves me. Far greater than I can ever, ever, ever imagine. He loves me. Totally and completely. With perfect love. The kind that won't hurt me. And He loves me....regardless of who I am and what I've done. Today. I was broken, but not the same kind of broken that I've felt all these years...the useless kind. Today I was broken...the kind where I know I've been completely emptied of myself and I'm in the perfect place to be used by God. 

I knew that I couldn't stay like this...hurt...forever. Before service tonight, I called Dad up. I told my dad I loved him. I told Dad that I was sorry. I was sorry for letting myself hurt like this. I was sorry that I never told him that I felt like this. I was sorry that I believed Satan's lie that my dad doesn't love me. My dad does. Immensely. I kick myself now at the ridiculous ideas I've had before tonight. I asked Dad, "Do you love me, Daddy?" My dad knows me too well. "Do you even have to ask? You're my daughter." "Daddy, do you love me? I'm serious." "Yes, I love you. Unconditionally." "Daddy, are you proud of me?" "Yes, so much. It's a privilege to be your dad. I am proud of you." "Daddy, I'm sorry that this meant so much to me. I'm sorry that I'm so hurt." "Ruthie. I know. And I'm sorry. It's ok." Tears were streaming down my face. 

*pause. Ruthie, remember feeling that? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This is what reconciliation feels like. Deep breath. This is what healing feels like. Tears. 

This is what it feels like to be loved....*

I finally realized that Dad speaks a whole 'nother love language than I do. 

I realized that Dad does love me. He really truly does.

He just doesn't show it like I do. 

Miscommunication. It bites.

I never thought this day would come. 

But I'm glad it did. I don't know how to describe what this feels like, but I now know that one day, I'll meet someone in the exact same spot as me, and I'll be able to talk to them with experience. I'll be able to tell them of God's wondrous love. I'll be able to tell them how God heals hearts. I'll be able to tell them how good my God is, and how we don't have to work for His love. I'll be able to be used by God in a way that someone who's never experienced this ever will be able to. 

Channels only, blessed Master.

But with all Thy wondrous power

Flowing through us

Thou canst use us

Every day and every hour. 

Here's the facts:

I'm Ruthie.

I'm a broken person.

My heart hurts.

But God is good.

And God can use broken people.

Enough.

I'm tired...and sick of feeling like this.

I'm tired of being strong.

I'm tired of feeling this.

I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm ok....

I don't want this anymore...

I don't want anything anymore....

My heart hurts so much....

I don't want this...

I'm tired of being disappointed.

Windows.

My love's eyes are like emerald seas,

And they glisten in the sun.

Under the moon they shine brighter still.

When I choose to look awhile, 

I fall into the depths of their mystery.

As I gaze into their vast forever, 

I realize that I am peering into the windows of his soul.

A soul so rich and full of life and wonder.

But I only stay awhile, 

For that while may turn into forever,

And forevers cease to satisfy.

-Asia and I wrote this today. Miss Martin asked us to write a poem for her. :)

Oh, and Luke...this is what it was. 

To be honest, I think this "poem" is just full of meta-statements. 

100 things. Part II

100 things I want to do before I die. (I told you I love lists)

1. Get my divers license...or whatever it's called. (Forget driving, I want to DIVE)

2. Find out which HBBI girl led me to Jesus when I was 3 1/2. 

3. Live on a farm. (Even for just a bit, doesn't have to be forever)

4. Buy one, just one, super amazing dress that I can wear a million times and it'll still look cute every single time. (I think this is just a girl thing)

5. Write a devotional book called Beauty from Ashes. (That's a verse in Isaiah, by the way)

6. Get married. :) (Gotta put that in...hey, it's on everyone's list like this)

7. Build a treehouse. By myself. 

8. Meet someone who doesn't think I'm completely a dork. (This may have been done already...without my knowledge of so)

9. Go deep, deep sea fishing. 

10. Stand at the top of a lighthouse (not at night).

11. Cut grass with those lawn mowers you sit on. (I know. I'm weird.)

12. Visit Coram's Fields, the preschool I went to when we lived in England.

13. See if the sheep I used to try to ride are still there.

14. Go sailing...and sleep on the boat...somewhere in the middle of the ocean, under the stars, where it's DARK. Oh it'd be beautiful. 

15. Visit the Painted Desert. 

16. Get married to someone who can cook up some deeeelicious biscuits and gravy. (Once again, don't ask. I love, love, love that stuff) 

17. Learn how to take some decent pictures.

18. Teach a 2nd grade class, even for just a day.

19. Climb a mountain. A real one. ;P

20. Ride a camel. Or a llama.

21. Get my writing published.

22. Leave Harvest/Guam long enough to miss it and come back and see how it's changed.

23. Meet up with people I grew up with...but no longer live here.

24. Walk in a park and vaguely hear some brilliant person playing...(think August Rush haha)

25. Learn how to tell time. Well. (I know how. I'm just horrible at it.)

26. Learn how to multiply by 9. (Uhhh, I was very distracted when we learned how to do this in elementary)

27. Raise a family.

28. Visit the zoo. Everyday for a week.

29. Go on a hike, where the whole time we're walking through mud...like knee-deep. (love it)

30. Get some weird janitorial/housekeeping job in college. (for some reason I really want to do this)

31. Dance under the stars. 

32. Grow a garden of flowers. All over the place. In tires. In the ground. In old barbeque grills. In old drums. In buckets. In old toilets. Everywhere.

33. Paint a picture on the wall with my hands.

34. Roll down a hill. 

35. Roller skate everywhere, just for a day. 

36. Make homemade ice cream.

37. Decorate a house. 

38. Work in a bakery.

39. Go to my best friend's wedding. (This is implying that she gets married before she dies)

40. Write a letter at least once to every person that means something to me. (I better get started. I'd be writing a million letters)

41. Visit a Holocaust museum. 

42. Run a 5k. Like run. Like all of it.

43. Live on some island off of the coast of Alaska, even just for a month...or a week.

44. Swim in the Mediterranean. 

45. Bike through the English countryside. Just a wad of cash, the clothes on my back and a toothbrush.

46. Get a crazy haircut.

47. Bring back the 1940's style.

48. Star in a major play...somewhere.

49. Meet someone like me. Like...JUST LIKE ME. But not me.

50. Meet my doppleganger theory person...(look it up)

51. Help support finding the cure for cancer. Somehow. Even more.

52. Figure out my family tree.

53. Go camping. For longer than just the weekend.

54. Catch fireflies. 

55. Own a little rowboat.

56. Jump in lake of freezing cold water. (not the kind that will me get that hypothermia thing)

57. Ride in a helicopter.

58. Road trip. 

59. Live in a house where there are at least 3 bookshelves in almost every room. 

60. Find the perfect blend of tea, water, milk and sugar.

61. Climb a really, really big tree.

62. Visit missionaries all over the world.

63. Get in a submarine. Not like the silly Nautilus tourist submarine, but a...legit one.

64. Be involved in full-time ministry. :) 

65. Make a quilt.

66. Go hunting. (I don't know...it sounds...not Ruthie at all, but it does sound interesting)

67. Ice skate...like better than when I was little.

68. Meet a boy who writes like I do. (This also may have been done. I don't remember)

69. Ride in a little teeny weeny airplane. 

70. Drive a truck, a big one.

71. Raise bees. (I like weird things. I've been inspired.)

72. Find an instrument I can really play...

73. Touch someone's life. Even just once.

74. Get lost in the city with someone else I know.

75. Visit a castle. An old one...not one that's been turned into some tourist trap.

76. Grow up to be one of those sweet, sweet old ladies.

77. Stay friends, yea best friends with Asia. More than just on facebook. ;)

78. Count how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

79. Learn how to ride a horse. Well. 

80. Own a huge aquarium of fish.

81. Stumble upon a hidden garden.

82. Be part of a parade. 

83. Go to a fair.

84. Live somewhere cold.

85. Own a copy of everything Jane Austen's ever written.

86. (Get married) Name one of my sons after my husband. (well..it's true)

87. Find a way to be in the cafeteria when the lights are off. (I've figured out in all the 15 1/2 years I've been at Harvest, I've never been in the cafeteria when the lights are off)

88. Own a cat. (I hate cats.)

89. Go to the Olympics. (Hopefully, the London Olympics...there is actually a good chance of me being able to go...randomly)

90. Find more books by David Lubar.

91. Visit Stratford-Upon-Avon, where Shakespeare's from.

92. Perform one of Shakespeare's plays.

93. Live to see the day we get lights for our soccer field at Harvest.

94. Sink a 3 pointer.

95. Watch Asia swim the English Channel and live to tell about it.

96. Be a witness like that little old man in Australia.

97. Start a phenomenon.

98. See more and more of my relatives get saved.

99. Eat some REAL spicy food. All kinds. spicy :)

100. Tell someone how much they really, truly mean to me and how much I love them.

I love lists. 

This is for Luke.

LUKE LUKE LUKE LUKE LUKE LUKE LUKE.

There. Now you're on here.

smile.

My bestest best friend's bestest best friend.

gross.

haha just kidding.

100 things.

I love lists. This is an updated 100 things.

100 things I love:

1. The way God works. It's beautiful!!

2. How Mom thought I passed out when I talked with her on the phone today!

3. Random Sunday afternoon lunches.

4. Fast friends.

5. Wiggle sticks at Foxes'.

6. Weekend hangouts.

7. Video chatting with Bella and listening to good acoustic.

8. Eating comfort food-mashed potatoes, chicken, gravy, and biscuits!!

9. School skip days.

10. Playing music in Josh's car with the windows rolled down.

11. Going on secret missions with Mariah and Asia while humming the Mission Impossible theme song.

12. Meeting people's parents.

13. Sweet, sweet iced tea.

14. My church. :)

15. The way Kristian and Kevin try to imitate my laugh (it's impossible).

16. Being missed.

17. Filling out surveys.

18. Reading people's answers to surveys (like Min Shik wanting to slap a baboon's bum...ai)

19. Spending a whole day reading a book series.

20. When Dad makes me hot tea.

21. And we sit in the garage talking.

22. When Mom comes in my room and we laugh until she falls asleep. 

23. Singing with all my heart to embarrassing love songs with my girls. 

24. Wednesday afternoon trips to Mickey D's with the guys.

25. Sitting on the Lanai of the FLC watching the sunset.

26. The feeling that overcomes me when I walk into the auditorium when it's empty.

27. My hundreds of books in my room. Hundreds. Really.

28. How I iron for my family. 

29. And that I iron every morning...

30. The HCA class of 2011. 

31. This oil candle thing on my desk. I haven't even lit it yet, but it still makes my room smell good! It's magical!!

32. How it's possible to get lost in a book.

33. Sour skittles!! It's happiness in a bag.

34. When I get teased about being ADD. It shows I am loved.

35. How I subconsciously think that I grew up in the South.

36. Worn out shoes.

37. The memories of Dad and I walking through the streets of London.

38. Kaz singing.

39. Feeling shy talking to someone I admire.

40. Writing in my journal...furiously.

41. Chap stick. 

42. When the little iChat icon bounces in its dock. Scares me but I love it!

43. My best friend. 

44. High school guys' volleyball games. 

45. No, just guys' games in general. Much more upbeat than girls' sports.

46. Giggling with someone who knows exactly how I feel.

47. Dancing in living rooms.

48. Feeling mischievous, while not really doing anything mischievous. 

49. The sound my laptop makes when someone signs in on IM or IMs me. It's so cute! 

50. How I am singlehandedly NOT supporting the US Postal System.

51. Daisies. I LOVE daisies.

52. Rainy, thunderstorm-y days. Beautiful...

53. Cute sundresses.

54. Harvest concerts and performances. 

55. Well-taken photographs.

56. Reminiscing the past.

57. Sharing hopes and dreams with people I'm just getting to know.

58. Testimonies.

59. Sneezing in books. ;) don't ask...

60. Ice Breaker SOURS. (Happiness in a small, circular, brightly colored container)

61. Having unexpected moments with God through nature. Seriously. It's profound.

62. Christmas dinner.

63. Sunflowers as big as my face. :)

64. Talking to people about what they think.

65. Running through huge fields of long grass and flowers.

66. Dreaming of lovely things.

67. The feeling that one gets when everything clicks.

68. Finding out that, yes, it's possible for boys to have beautiful minds.

69. Noticing people's handwriting.

70. Reading books nobody's heard of before.

71. Summer. 

72. "You're so fine! You blow my mind! I get so nervous every time I see you hop online!" (that's for Bella and Asia-sing it!)

73. Cookies from Saipan.

74. Skipping class (with permission) to have serious talks with people.

75. How my class calls Asia and me rebels for skipping class (with permission) a lot.

76. Randomly remembering that I used to have this thing for riding sheep.

77. That Asia saved me from falling off a cliff once...really.

78. Good, meaningful talks a long time coming.

79. Crying and praying on the phone.

80. Cutesy little coffee shops with AMAZING house coffee.

81. People complimenting me when I'm having a really bad day. lol it's funny!

82. Inside jokes with God.

83. Popsicles on a balmy summer day.

84. Thunderstorms. 

85. Being all snugly and warm on cold, cold days.

86. "I wish I was the weather...'cause then maybe you'd be talking about me all the time."- hah!

87. Plastic rings you get for 25 cents.

88. Staying up super de-duper late. (not for school)

89. BAGEL BITES!! And punch!!!

90. Sleeping Freshman Never Lie. freaky cantaloupe This is not a list.

91. Country music. Seriously. Well, some, at least.

92. Accents. I love accents...(like British accents, Aussie accents, etc) 

93. My personal fave...Southern accents. Ever since The Miracle Worker play. :)

94. How Asia ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS matches.

95. My twin. :D I love Bella.

96. The humidity after rainfall on a sunny day. 

97. How it's possible for people to tell you exactly what you want them to tell you if you ask them the right questions.

98. Writing letters.

99. Little kids.

100. Small things I notice that make my heart dance. 

100 things. :)

I am my mother's daughter-A tribute to my mom.

Rarely am I told that I look like my mom. People say I look like my dad. I don't know what to think. There is something that I get told quite a bit, however, and it is that I am just like my mom. In the big things. In the little things. It's kinda nice.

Mom and I both like a lot of the same things, do a lot of the same things, and think a lot of the same things. My mom and I looooove bright colors and decorating the house and other various things pretty. She and I are very adamant about keeping the house clean with extremely high standards. We both LOVE, absolutely LOVE, writing. She has 21 years worth of journals. We both write about little things that we see God in. We like to talk a lot. And pray. I love to pray with my mom...

And that's why I say. If there's anyone I would like to be like (other than Jesus), it would be my mother. She has seen God work in her life through and through. She's been a witness to some amazing things happen, and most of them are things she has prayed for. My mom is a prayer WARRIOR, like I'm not even kidding you. My mom is probably the hardest working person I know, and she does her job effectively and efficiently, but the thing that I love best about my mom, is that she loves Jesus with her whole heart, soul, and mind--with every ounce of her being. She knows she can't live this life without Him. He is her first resort. God has blessed our family with so much, and she acknowledges that. 

I know my mom is human and has flaws, but God has given her grace. I have learned what true joy is from her. There have been tough things in her life, but she always says God is good, and maybe there are those times where she doesn't say it, but I know deep down she knows it. My mom prays about everything. Everything is good from the hands of the Father in her eyes, whether or not we see it as good. :) I don't mind being just like my mother, if that means that God is real to me, just like He's soooooo real to her.

Last Thanksgiving.

I write a lot of notes about last year, especially about events that happened at this time 'cause for me, those were huge milestones in my life. They were things that still hurt my heart today, but it was through those things that God proved Himself real to me, even though God never has to prove anything. 

Mom and I were talking last night about the things that happened last December and what we were doing last Thanksgiving break. It's so easy to talk about it now, so easy to laugh, but I was telling her that, man, if we were talking about this only 10 months ago, I would have started crying 3 minutes BEFORE we even began talking about it.

Now, I talk about last year as if it's common knowledge as to what happened. Last December our family went on a 5 week vacation to the PI for a family reunion type thing. Sounds good, eh? The first hour we were there, I couldn't stop crying 'cause I could already feel in my bones that life was about to take a huge plunge into OW. Not even two weeks into the thing, we find out my mom has to have surgery, not a big deal, but hey, it's still surgery. I can't be with mom and dad in the city 'cause there's no where for me to stay in the hospital, so I stick around with my extended family (all of whom I am VERY thankful for!!!) without my parents. This was super hard for me, 'cause if it's not obvious, my parents and I are SUPER close, and it was hard not to be able to talk to them everyday (for some reason, cell phones wack out when I use them). The day after mom and dad come back from the city, we get a phone call from the doctor...mom needs to go back into surgery, and this time, it's serious. 

Man, I remember that night so clearly. Broke my stinkin' heart. I remember crying so hard wondering why God had to do this now. It was supposed to be a time spent with family! We had planned for this vacation for a WHOLE year, and one phone call could change that?! I was so upset. God gave mom and dad so much grace that time when I was throwing a huge teenage tantrum. Mom gave me Max Lucado's It's Not About Meto read, and I sat in a stupid plastic lawn chair in the middle of the living room till the wee hours of the morning till I read it, all of it; with every stinking word, tears ran down my face. God really used that night as a turning point in my life...

So. Mom and Dad had to stay in the city, while I was by myself--with family, yeah, but honestly, I didn't even know them. About 2-3 weeks. We moved from city to city everyday, constantly moving. Oh my word, I am so thankful for the people God brought into my life those couple weeks. It hurt a lot, knowing Mom was hurting. Blah! And one of the hardest things, besides my parents not being there, was that I couldn't go to church and half the time I didn't have my Bible. But God still spoke to me. Mom had a full hysterectomy, which doesn't sound like a big deal, 'cause I realize a lot of women get those, but for some reason, God chose to make everything extreme...

Christmas Eve and Christmas, I was throwing up. The only thing I ate on Christmas was half a cup of veggies, and that didn't stay down either. Dad could only leave mom in the hospital for a few hours, so I only saw Dad for like 2 hours and Mom not at all on Christmas...

Idk. Everything was so traumatizing for me, and God took away all the people I thought would comfort me. But I think it had to take that to show me that it's just God. It really "forced" me to rely on God. I remember one specific instance, I was laying on the bed thinking if the Hope that I still cling to was real. If I should let myself continue to believe in Jesus, 'cause life hurt so much. I thought back to what God has done thus far...I couldn't bring myself to unbelief. I don't even know what it is, but God did a miracle last Christmas. Wow, I've never even thought about this until now. It was a miracle. Like all of this doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's one of those things that only you and God know for real. That's kind of why I like to listen really closely when people give testimonies. It's sounds so easy to say, but their heart must be hurting ten times major. 

God really showed me His sovereignty last Christmas, and continually, up till now, He's showing me how only He can heal hurts...

Last Thanksgiving, we were packing clothes for our trip, but in another sense, it was like we were packing up all of our hopes, longings, expectations, worldly comforts, etc...only to abandon them and let Jesus be our only Hope. If that makes sense...

Mountain moves.

My sister has a thing for books, just like everyone else in my family. Naturally, then, we would have loads of random books all over the house, and we definitely do. Out of the many devo books we have lying around the house, I picked up one and opened up to no page in particular. It was about prayer, and how we tend to look at the size of the mountain, rather than the strength of the mountain mover. The author used the example of the 12 men that went to spy on Canaan--how 10 of them said they should go somewhere else, and 2 of them had faith that this was the land that God promised them, daunting as it may seem. 

Interestingly enough, this devo kind of tied in to something I've been thinking about this Thanksgiving holiday. The Sunday school speaker today, Kirk I don't remember his last name but he lives in Virginia, kept emphasizing that the friends one has has a huge impact on that person's life, whether we see it directly or not. He was pretty much reiterating what Mr. Filipiak talked about when SNAC was over at their house--about the whole "you have an influence on people, and your friends have an influence on you too" deal. Kirk (that's what I'll call him, since he said it was ok) asked us questions about our friends such as, "What direction do your friends lead you?" kind of like that. Anyway, I thought about it...and I was really thankful 'cause most of my REALLY close friends are all Christians and they all really strive to live for Jesus. (and for the most part, they're all pretty hardcore about being in-your-face confrontational)

But it wasn't always like that.

When I was in 7th, I used to really hate coming to church 'cause I felt really secluded, and I thought that all these "Christian-y" people didn't know what they were talking about... I was so focused on ME and seeing what I could get out of this church stuff. Then God totally changed my perspective on that, changed my perspective of God Himself. A lot of things happened in 7th grade, at home and at school, that really brought me to my knees. God finally took everything away to show me that I can't do it on my own. It didn't happen all at once...God revealed more and more of Himself to me as I changed the focus off of me and onto Him. Slowly but surely God has done a work in my life, and He has most definitely shown me the joys of knowing Him as well as being in a church body that loves Him...and because of that, God has blessed me and given me the people today that I call my friends. :D

So I finally got a glimpse of Who it was all about, and what happened? I didn't have the same gnawing feeling of lonliness, 'cause He showed me it was all about Him...and anything that was to be done could only be done through His strength.

I don't know...but it would be something great to have faith that moves mountains. Whatever those mountains may be. "Have you stood in the shadow for so long that you've grown accustomed to the darkness?

ACT Now.

Ok, I don't know if anyone else was watching this on channel 2 today. But basically it was a KUAM telethon thingy about cancer. 

Like there were people telling about their experiences with cancer...and how they beat it. It was like making people aware of it...Man, I started crying. I don't even really know why. It's not like I even knew those people, but then there was this one boy who is a year older than I am...and like, he's gone through chemotherapy, bone marrow transplants, leukemia and a lot of hard stuff...That made me cry sooo much. 

I didn't think cancer was a big deal; like, I never really took it seriously. Then...I found out something tonight...that really hit close to home. I don't really know if I can say it here, but man, I was trying so hard not to cry. This really challenged me to do more about it...like find ways to help out.

I don't think I've met anyone that hasn't been affected by cancer, whether they themselves have had it or has had someone in their family have it. 

According to the words of Asia, "Cancer fails at life." To me, I think it bites, but I know God uses it to show His glory. I know He does, 'cause I've seen His glory shown in families and individuals who have been affected by it. 

Cancer is so limited
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the Spirit.
[It cannot change the love of Jesus Christ]

To all those that are cancer survivors, Right on! I don't have cool words to say...just that now, I'm praying for you seriously. And if there's anyone out there that does have cancer, I'm saying the same thing to you.

--the night I wrote this, I found out that my grandma had cancer...A week later, she was put in the ICU...

Soon after, she passed away...that just about tore me up...

Emotionally drained.

I feel like I have felt almost every emotion there is to feel in the world today....

I'm very thankful that God doesn't act RASHLY on His emotions and that He is in control. He is my stedfastness, in my insanity. Migraine=pain=Ruthie's head. 

Right now, the biggest thing that's running through my head is that it's amazing how much God loves dirty sinners. Man, and that He even made the universe, even though He knew we were going to fall into sin and that Jesus would die for the sin we have. 

In the last couple of hours, there have been so many emotional mountaintops and valleys in a matter of minutes. It makes me so speechless how God is above that, how He stays the same, how He never leaves, how He loves conditionally, how He is good, how He is God. I hope and pray that I will never be brought to unbelief. That I will never believe the lie.

Mr. Morgan preached tonight in HFC, and boy, it was totally what I needed to hear at that moment. God really encouraged my heart and brought me back to the point of realization that NOTHING EVER IS EVER ABOUT ME. It's not. It never has been. It never will be. It's always been about God. There was a part that really stuck out to me; it was about knowing in your heart that you're truly saved. I was really thanking God that I know for CEREAL that if I died right now, I would be with Him in heaven. 

There's something about Jesus...something else. I don't know how to describe it. I don't know where to begin. There is true hope in Him. True love. True rest. He is Truth...everything makes sense when I rest in the heart of my Savior. when I am still, and He is God. 

Calm in the storm.

There's a tropical depression right now. Pretty spiffy, if you ask me; but it's probably not for the the high school guys' soccer team (who I do believe is undefeated at this point), since their game got postponed. Tears. And I was even thinking about watching today...

Anywho, the wind is blowing, the rain is falling, the sun is hiding. Things like that. I love it. I love rainy, stormy, gloomy weather. Yesterday, I noticed something different about the air. I couldn't explain it, but it smelled different, felt different, and it even BLEW different. Literal winds of change? It was like I felt it in my bones....

A lot of things happened yesterday as well as today. Interesting to me how big things tend to come all at once. The events that took place were a long time coming, but the activation keys had to be now, duh. It's overwhelming...

But God is really teaching me a lot about what peace is. Peace isn't calm situations and a chill life. Peace isn't being lazy...I've always imagined in my mind's eye that peace was like a pond. A peaceful pond. ;) The water has no waves. The birds chirp happily. The sun shines brightly. The frogs croak. The fish swim. There is not a cloud in the sky. Picture it? That's not really peace. To me, it sounds like unattainable perfection. I think peace is like a huge sea of water. The wind howls. The rain pours down torrentially. The sky is a deep grey. The waves go up higher than your head and crash down onto the boat your in. It's not even a large boat. It's like one of those cute little rowboats, yet you could just sit there without worry--knowing that God made the world; therefore, God controls it. The surroundings scream WORRY, PAIN, AGONY, yet God's still, small voice whispers to your heart, "Peace, be still."

Another random analogy, I think of a snowglobe. You can turn it upside down, shake it, whatever. The thing in the middle (whatever it is) doesn't move. It's held down my something stronger than it. 

I don't know if that made sense...

Absolutely.

I have to write about. I really do. I tried to avoid it, but I couldn't.

Since last Friday, I have successfully climbed the tree I've been yearning all my life to climb. It's not a very high tree. It's not a very spectacular tree, but it is the tree that I've desired to climb ever since I was a little girl.

It was beautiful up there. I was up high enough that I was almost parallel to where the sun was at the moment, and the leaves are so abundant in that memory-laden tree that it cast such glorious shadows on the limbs of that tree. There was a golden aura around the leaves. It was amazing. I wish I had the guts to stay longer up where I was. I wanted to smell the sunshine. Aww man. I love the feeling of the bark under your hands and just the risk of getting all cut up and sticky from the sap. It's awesome. I absolutely loved it. 

Your love keeps lifting me higher.

"Lord, I'm all in. Let's do this. I don't want control over my life. All that I have, all that I am, it's all Yours. 

Take the sin that makes me human, and purify it. Cleanse me. I want to be right with You. All the bitterness and hatred, it's Yours to cover with Your healing. All the lying and unkind words, it's Yours to cover with Your gentleness. All the pride and self-righteousness, it's Yours to cover with Your humility. All the shame and the guilt, it's Yours to cover with Your acceptance. I don't want to live in sin. I want my heart to beat like Yours and be with Yours. 

Take my life and use it however You please. I will go to the ends of the earth, the depths of the sea, the heights of the mountains...what ever it takes. I want You to use my life in a way that will show the world how much I love You and the awe-striking glory that You are. I want to be known as a consecrated, committed child of God.

Take my heart that longs for fulfillment aside from you. Bind it to Your heart. I want to feel the warmth of Your everlasting love. I want to be so lost in the vast oceans of Your mercies. Keep my heart in Yours. I want You to have my whole heart, not the bits and pieces. I want to have a heart after Your heart. Lord, what breaks Your heart, I want it to break mine; what angers Your heart, I want it to anger mine; what delights Your heart, I want my heart to be overflowing with joy.

Heart and soul, I'm Yours." 

Conversations.

--I am sitting on the lanai of the Family Life Center, sick as can be. The sky is a blazing pink and orange slowly fading up to a deep blue yonder. Thoughts swirling through my head at dizzying speeds. Fatigue crawling through my skin. A faint rustling sound is heard in the still, solemn silence of the wind. I look into the depths of the sunset......

My stomach drops. I feel sick. Slowly, I ease myself down so that I am looking straight up into the starlit sky. A peace falls over me. The thoughts come to a halt. I hear a still, small voice...

"Ruthie, what is it that you really want?"
-To be loved, Lord. That's what I really want. 
"Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." (1 John 4:10) 

"What else, Ruthie? I know there's more."
-To be accepted, Father, I want to be accepted.
"...Wherein He hath made us accepted in the beloved..." (Ephesians 1:6) 

"Am I enough for you?"
-You are my Shepherd. I shall not want. (Ps 23:1)

"Can you live this life without Me?"
-My flesh and my heart faileth, but You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Ps 73:26)

"Do people mean more to you than I do, Ruthie?"
-...Whom have I in heaven but Thee? There is none upon the earth that I desire beside Thee. (Ps 73:25)

"Where is your heart?"
-Far away from the shores of Your heart, Father.

"Ruthie, where is your heart?"
-No longer lost in the vast oceans of Your mercies.

"Where should your heart be?"
-In Your presence is fulness of joy. (Ps 16:11)