The Galaxy is Ours.

Do you remember when Disney played stuff like this? Waaayyy better than the ridiculousness that plays today. Ehhhhh.

Currently.

I'm sitting on my bed. My bed is actually made for once. I never make my bed. Like. EVER. Ok, that's an exaggeration. I hardly make my bed. I've never had to. I've never really needed to. I mean, during the school year, I only come home to do homework, shower, and sleep. Seriously. That makes me sound like 1) I am never home, which is partially true. 2) I am a lazy bum, which, come to think of it, is also partially true. Ok, ignore. I digress.

I'm folding clothes. There are about 9 piles of clothes on my bed. Pile 1: clothes to be washed. Pile 2: dresses. Pile 3: T-shirts. Pile 4: cardigans. Pile 5 & 6: Tank tops. Pile 7: blouses. Pile 8: dressier blouses. Pile 9: shorts. Everything else is in the laundry or on the way to going into the laundry. 

I'm watching Taylor Swift music videos. I'm not really a fan, but I keep getting goose bumps!!! I love the Love Story one because it's very Jane Austen-y. Picture to Burn is super funny, because she and her best friend are like getting mad that her boyfriend is letting some girl drive his truck. Ai ai ai. You Belong With Me is my favorite. It's super cute. And White Horse...is just sad. Ehhhh. It's pretty funny. 

Shooooooes.

So I got myself a pair of Crocs today. They're pretty cute and not outrageously colored. I'm going to get a pair of outrageous colored ones another time. They're black, and I got myself  sunflower Jibbitz to put in the sole hole on the side of the shoe.

  

So they pretty much look like that. I want to get the red ones and the ultraviolet ones eventually, because it's sort of addicting to get the same shoe in different colors. I love shoes. I have like a bajillion pairs. It's pretty ridiculous since I only use like 2 of them. It's been said that shoes are the exclamation point at the end of a fashion statement, which I believe to be very accurate. :) 

Oh and if anyone randomly finds ladybug jibbitz, buy 2 and I will totally pay you back!!! I found daisy ones and sunflower ones, ladybug ones would only complete me. :) 

Thanks guys,

I have officially reached 100 blog views in less than a month.

Keep it coming. :)

Even though I don't even know who in the world reads my nonsense. 

Well, some of you I don't know. 

Either way.

Fisher Rae.

So I'm reading this book called Amazing Grace. It is like one of my favorite books EVER! I call it a "cereal" book, because there's no real theme or moral tone or any of that good literature stuff. I think that's why I read it so much; it's a nice break from reading meaty books, if you know what I mean. :) 

Anyway, it's about this girl named Grace, who was a tennis superstar or something like that. She completely changes her identity and moves to Medicine Hat, Alaska--which is supposed to be the equivalent to the middle of nowhere. But this blog isn't about her, although I really should start with her! I feel like talking about the other girl in the book. She's cool.

Ok, so in a nutshell, Grace somehow meets this boy named Teague after crashing her bike into a moose and wiping out. He takes her to his Aunt Sadie's bakery, and as they sit down for a bite to eat, this girl walks in. I'm going to make a list to describe her using some of the stuff I remember from the book. It's brilliant. Like I relate to a lot of the characteristics to the people in this book. Maybe you will catch why I say that. :)

She's got this feisty sway thing going on. Her jet-black hair was pulled into two beautiful braids with a yellow daisy tucked behind her ear. (Grace thinks, A daisy! A daisy! I cannot compete with a daisy, people! hah) I don't know there's just something about her, the self-confidence. The everybody says hi to her wherever she goes. The "I have this incredible desire for her to like me" and the "It's like the most popular girl just asked you to sit at her table" feeling. 

I don't remember anything else. I think I'm just annihilating the book. Just read it.

You can totally tell why I like it. The author writes very similar to me. :) At least, the way I think. 

Dear Heart;

I don't have to live enslaved to how I feel. 

I'm free.

Thanks for breaking about a million times before I realized this. 

Love, 

Me.

Blurbs.

I feel like being random. Ok, so I'm watching videos on youtube, and I just watched this SUPER funny video of this Indian guy singing a song by David Archuleta, and I was laughing SO HARD! It was good...but I don't know why it was so funny, but it was stinking hilarious! I was turning red because it was so funny! *sigh* 

Ruthie remembered how to smile.

Today was a good day. It finally, finally felt like summer today. We had another water day, and most of the team worked all together today. It was so much fun. We had 6 inflatable pools set up and the big blue hose. I had a blast. We just chilled in a pool and played with the water. We ate our lunch under one of the tents and bonded. It was so what we needed after a day like yesterday--full of confrontation and "getting things right" conversations. We tanned together. Laughed together. Healed together. It was HEAPS of fun. :)

My family and I just got back from dinner. We ate at Outback. Yum. I had this grilled chicken thing with mushrooms and bacon on top. It was good...it had monterey jack cheese melted all over it, and I ate it with some mashed potatoes. Yum! And they served us some molasses bread, something like that. Whatever it was, I thought it was GOOD. Then we went downstairs and got some ice cream (I think it's ice cream) from that new Dolce Frutti place. Super delicious! 

Yeah, I am supposed to get new shoes for going out and doing whatever since my Converse are torn up and old and dingy and stained from the red dirt. I didn't really want to buy another pair of Converse, because I am kind of getting sick of them...I've owned a couple of pairs of them already. I've decided I'm going to buy a pair of Mary Jane Crocs in a neutral color. That kind or another cute flat style, but I just want something comfy and something that will match the stuff I wear. Whatever. 

Dealing with it. pt 2

I assure you, this one ends happy.

So I walked in that room tonight

Heart humble.

Peace offerings in hand.

Meaning...a Nutella sandwich and a wish bracelet. 

I'm good. I know my best friend. Food and accessories.

Mine would just be ice cream. Bahahahaha. 

Anyway, I walked in. She came over. I said I was sorry. She said she was sorry.

Iforgiveyou. Slurred. Just like that. 

Hugs. Gifts. "Let's go outside."

Peace. Harmony. Whooo. :) That's what happened in a nutshell.

DAY FIVE. You know, five days since Father's Day. ;) 

Bahahaha. Cute song playing right now. I could laugh for five minutes straight. :) Well, maybe not. But I sure am smiling real big. Actually, you know what. I don't remember the last time I was this genuinely happy. Wait. I do remember. It was the Monday morning I woke up and the sky was golden. It was pouring down rain with the sun just peeking over the tree in front of our house. Beautiful. Yeah, that was the last time I felt like this.

I feel like I'm just swimming in God's blessings. I was dancing around in my room a little while ago. My laptop was on the floor, and I almost stepped on it and possibly may have almost broken it...and I just got my Mac back!! Silly Ruthie. As much of an emotional roller coaster it is to be me, I sure love it. I wouldn't trade all the heart ache I've had to go through just for an easier, comfier life. I love the life I've got. God's grace overwhelms me.  

There's nothing more freeing than knowing that I am in a right standing with God and the people around me. It's a beautiful thing. It makes me want to cry, but I've had enough tears for today. It's funny how I still cry everyday. Honestly, I've cried so much more than I've laughed this summer, but in retrospect, I wouldn't change a thing. I've grown so much. 

Words of wisdom for today: "Paul wrote in Philippians that he wants to know Jesus and the fellowship of His sufferings. I'm not telling you that you are Jesus, and he's crucifying you, but I do know that he kills you inside. But you know, the verse doesn't end there. Paul wanted to know Jesus in the power of His resurrection. He didn't stay dead. And you don't have to live like you feel dead inside." 

I guess I dealt with it.

So my latest (before the one I have now) update on Twitter said something like, "I'm so tired of being sorry. I'm not sorry. Deal with it." Which is totally a stuck-up, proud attitude.

I am tired of being sorry. I'm tired of doing things to be sorry for. I've hurt a lot of people I love in the past couple of weeks, and it hurts me too. I want out. But that's the thing, I can't run away from this. I can't run away from the hurt I've caused. I can't run away from my problems.

I have to face them. Head on. 

One of my favorite quotes is, "Don't grow a wishbone where your backbone should be." I can't wish my way out of here. It's hard to put effort into relationships, but the people I've hurt mean too much to me to just leave our friendship they way it is--hurting and empty. 

I am sorry. And I wish I knew how to prove it.

I am so sick of myself and that I keep disappointing people. I don't meet their expectations. I got like super upset today because I was so tired of people wanting things from me, but I am only human. I can't give everyone what they want. I don't have to. I don't. It's not worth it. I don't exist to please people. I exist to glorify God, and really, that's all that matters. But even more than being sick of myself, I am sick of feeling sorry for myself.

Tonight. That's going to change. 

Tonight. I'm going to fix things.

Tonight. God will show Himself strong...

In a friendship that I thought was stronger than squabbles like this. I've always, always believed that our friendship was stronger than this, but that doesn't mean that we don't have to go through trying times; it only means we can get out of them. Together.

God uses broken people. God doesn't use strong people.

And I feel everything but strong.

Better Days.

This girl has seen better days. But I would have to say, this day was a good day. All through the course of the day, I've seen God's fingerprints through and through. It's been such a blessing being alive today. These days I've been asking God to give me the eyes of faith to see Him at work, in big ways and small ways. 

These may sound ridiculous, but God has just been making all these cutesy little things happen to me that He knows I would be the only one to appreciate.

1. I finally got ice cream today. Soft-serve cookie dough ice cream. I love ice cream. Number one way to win me over, make my day, and stop me from crying. Ice cream. I love it.
   
2. I had to return a movie that I rented the other day, but it was late, and I had no more money to pay the late fees (since I had spent all my money buying ice cream). I usually can just return it and make my dad pay the next time we borrow a movie, but I've done that the last like 50 times I've borrowed a movie, so I would feel bad if I did it again. I checked my wallet. I had one dollar. Then I remembered I had $1 left of birthday money from like three years ago, so I rummaged through my 8th grade box and looked through birthday cards, and I found exactly a dollar!! So then I had $2 to pay my movie's late fee. :D I was pretty happy. 
   
3. We went on a hike today. Ok, not really. We went to the park today, and the kids went up in groups up a hill and then back down. I think I've explained this on here before. Anyway, I picked the right day to wear a sleeveless blouse, because I could tan properly! Whooo. I love the hot Guam sun. 
4. I GET MY MAC BACK TODAY! I am so happy. :D

In general, I've felt a whole lot freer. Freer to be who I am in Jesus. God is surely showing Himself strong. My God keeps His promises. When I felt weak, He is strong. I claimed Psalm 3:3 for this week. I'll share it.

But Thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.

I have faith. I truly believe that God took away what I had lost this past week just for me to go into this week serious about committing my life to Him. Halfway through this week, I've surrendered everything. My heart, soul and life to Him. That's more than what I thought was going to happen in these past couple of days; I thought I was only going to give up the situation, the feelings. No, everything. It's all His. I really believe that what I lost is going to come back again in time. I really believe it. I have. This whole time. Obedience brings blessing. I cannot wait to see what that blessing will be, whether it be what I want it to be...or something far greater. We'll see. 

On a lighter note, when we were at Wendy's getting ice cream, my sister ordered my frosty. The dude working the counters says to us, "Oh, the ice cream is really runny. I don't know if they'll be ready." True to form, I loudly exclaim, "WHAT?! I've been wanting to eat this Frosty all day! And now that I'm finally here, the machine isn't working right!!!" Not in a rude way, just in a pseudo frustrated way. I make this ridiculous face, and everybody present starts laughing--the people in line behind us, my sister, and the dude. He was like, "You know what, I'll go check." I stood there less apprehensive but still anxious to see the outcome of his Frosty testing. Can you tell I take my ice cream seriously? :) Hah, I'm funny. He comes back, laughs and says to me, "The ice cream's ready, darling." Darling?! Excuse me, bud-dy. You tell me that my ice cream may not be ready and then you call me darling...and I don't even know you! It was weird. Whatever. In the end, I got my ice cream. And that's what matters. 

ICE CREAM!!!! :D 

And something else just made my day! I think I can. I think I can. 

aww what. I know I can. This is wayyy worth it.

It's a tiring dance.

To do what people want you to do, just because.

You're so scared you're going to take the wrong step and be judged,

so you keep on dancing their dance.

This week has been unbelievable. 

God has been teaching me so much.

I feel too old to only be 15. 

I feel like I'm an old lady...seriously.

Not that I really know what old ladies are like (like what they feel like), but in my imagination, I feel like an old lady.  

7am

And for the first time all summer, I've been able to get more than enough of a night's rest. I slept for 12 hours last night...hmm, I fell asleep after watching that movie. And yes, Hazel, you are correct. I did watch Bride Wars. It was a silly movie. I thought it was going to be wayyy funnier, but maybe I just wasn't really in the mood. Ehhhh. 

Whatever. These past couple of days have held a lot of firsts. A lot of firsts that were long overdue. Huh. Who woulda thunk it?

Well, I'm off to Cool School in a bit. Bible Study tonight. I'm sure looking forward to more sleep. It feels so good to wake up and not be tired. 

Oh...:) I wasn't intentionally trying to sleep for 12 hours. I thought I would spend some time talking to my Best Friend before we chowed at dinner...but then I fell asleep. I hope He's not too disappointed. :) 

The movie.

So I just finished watching one of the most pointless movies I've seen for a while. I don't remember why I chose to watch a chick-flick. Like, I do like them, but some of them are just...dumb.

Lessons I pulled from the movie.

1. When you marry somebody, make sure you want the same things.
2. Don't fall in love with an idea. Fall in love with a person. Puh-lease! When you fall in love with a person, your love has a chance to change, to grow, to develop. Your love can't do those things when you fall in love with an idea of a person. Yeah, we're suckers for consistency, but when you wake up and find out the idea of a person you fell in love with is a volatile, perpetually changing person, you'll realize you probably didn't love the person in the first place, just an idealized vision of her.
3. Oh yeah. Don't fight with your best friend. At the end of the day, you're gonna need her. Because boys are ridiculous and don't (more like CAN'T) understand why girls' minds work the way they do. Duhhhh.
   
4. When God says to abstain from youthful lusts, abstain from youthful lusts!!! There's a purpose God didn't intend for couples to play house before they're married.
5. Don't plan your wedding with an obsession. You'll end up getting disappointed, because often in our plans, we don't make room for mistakes, we don't make room for people being human. Perfection and idealization is heartbraking.
   
6. Oh yeah. I've decided that big-time weddings are ridiculous. I don't see the purpose of spending like eighty bajillion dollars on getting some expensive place that has no sentimental value to the couple, buying a super pricey dress you're probably going to wear only once in your life (and fit in, for that matter), or wasting time on doing pointless things to prepare for your wedding. Ok, maybe not so much on that last one.
   

And just for the record, I'm not being cynical about weddings. Just realistic. I'd rather get married in some place that has so much sentimental value and spend no money at all and marry some super awesome guy that loves Jesus, than spending thousands upon millions of dollars making my dream wedding only to marry a guy that will probably not "feel" like he loves me (or vice versa) a year from then. But whatever. To each their own.

Ok, enough about weddings, chick-flicks, and my so-called cynicism.
I think I'm going to read and go to bed. I'm so boring.
But I love it. No, I don't love that I'm boring.
I love that I have so much time to do things.
But, I suppose there are other things I'd still like to do too, just...not now. :)

What I've been up to lately.

I am seriously turning into an old lady. I was going to say that "it's not even funny," but the more I think about it, the funnier it becomes.

I spent all of yesterday afternoon napping.
Then all my night was spent doing laundry. May I add, that I hand washed my cardigans, and I am very proud of myself. Now they're sparkling ocean fresh. :)
And I finally called Asia up to chat...and I could not remember a thing!
It was rather ridiculous.

So for the first time in a month (exactly a month, actually), I've finished washing, drying, and folding/hanging all of my clothes all in one night, and I've also managed to wash my sheets, vacuum my room, dust a little, rearrange my bookshelf, and clean up my closet. I've gotten so used to just throwing stuff in there that a huge pile of clothes grew..hah. I feel pretty accomplished, if I do say so myself. :D It's a great feeling.

I read through half a book last night. And then started reading a short story...but never finished, because it was boring, confusing, and heretical. I don't even remember what it was about, but it was freaky.

Then I spent a good deal of the rest of the night praying and doing devos. I read through a bunch of Psalms just praising God. We get so caught up with asking God to do stuff for us, at least I know I do, that we sometimes neglect thanking Him for what He's done and for who He is. 'Cause lemme tell ya, He's a good God that's more than worthy of our praise. I'm reading through this devotional about emotions, and I'm learning a lot...it's good...you know, 'cause I'm such an emotional person and all. I'm very thankful that God understands our emotions, yet He never misuses them like we do (like we hate people, God doesn't; He hates sin. We get angry for selfish reasons. God's reasons for His anger are completely just and righteous).

Anywho, I'm off to watch a movie. This is my first movie night all summer...just like Saturday was the first shopping day all summer. This summer's been totally out of whack. It's pretty insane.

I still feel like an old lady though. Why? Because I prefer staying home and reading a book to going out with friends. Whatever. I would rather do my laundry and clean the house than waste time and money going out to eat, when my mother could do a better job cooking food I actually like. That's just my little two cents...since I'm an old lady now and all. ;)

Just kidding. I'm still me. Even though "me" sounds a little ridiculous right now. But I suppose that that's just proof I'm still me. :P Ok, I'll stop before I get even more confusing. Hah.

In case you didn't know.

You're worth it. All of this...it's worth it.
Even if you won't read this...ever.
I can wait.

James 1:4
"But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire wanting nothing."

Just sayin'. Since I can't say much anything else.

Better.

Well, at least I've come to realize why this summer has been quite difficult for me. At least I've been able to pinpoint why I feel the way I do.

This summer all my initial expectations were shot down and people I love were stripped away. God took away things that I had depended on, put my trust in, and loved. He wanted me to focus on our relationship. He wanted me to grow, learn, and lean on Him. He took away people I could have leaned on for support, for love, for acceptance, for happiness.

At least I know why now. I am doing a lot better. I still just want to cry. I don't know why this is so hard...because really, it isn't. Maybe that's circumstantial happiness.

"May I never lose the wonder, the wonder of the cross. May I see it like the first time, standing as a sinner lost."

Mums the word.

I don't know what's more ridiculous.
The fact that when I did talk to people, they got sick of me talking.
Or that now that I don't want to talk to people, they get sick of my quietness.

C'mon, what do you want people?
I feel like I'm being stretched to the two extremes.
Being shut up. And being forced to talk.

Whatevs.
There are worse things out there than being on this tiny island where people talk, people judge, and people expect way too much than they should. I guess that's what being human's all about.

Too bad that it hurts so much.
Ridiculous, I say.
And just for the record, I am doing so much better than last night.
I just don't want to face people and have them ask like eighty billion questions.
Yes, eighty billion. :P

Hear the sound of a breaking heart.

First things first,
God is good.
And He knows what He's doing.

I, on the other hand, do not. I'm having a really hard time trusting God right now. Some of you may know why, but for those of you that don't...well, I'm sorry. Usually, I can be super open on this thing, but sharing what's on my heart right now with all its details would feel to much like open heart surgery. God's teaching me a lot about walking by faith.

Faith is the deliberate choice to believe what God says-not what we see is reality-and to think, choose, and act accordingly. Words of wisdom.

I feel so empty, so broken. To some, why I'm feeling what I'm feeling is ridiculous, like not even a big deal. Ruthie, you're just being a drama queen. But to me, to me this heavy stuff. This is God taking what means the most to me away and making me stand on my own two feet completely stripped of all worldly desires and affections.

"This is my Father's world. O let me ne'er forget that though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet." God knows what He's doing. His ways are far higher than mine.

Please be praying for me. This next week is going to be difficult for me, aside from God's strength. It's going to be a struggle giving up what I want and submitting to what God wants. I know I'm going to be learning a lot about sacrifice and faith. I don't know what God is going to do, but I know that with whatever end it will be, His end for me will be far greater than anything I could have come up with, even with my wisest decisions and best intentions.

Lord, show Yourself strong.

I could.

I just woke up from a nap.

I could give a friend a call, but I won't.
I could read a book, but I won't.
I could get something to eat, but I won't.
I could write in my journal, but I won't.
I could go out tonight, but I won't.

I think I'm just going to go back to sleep.
I'm so boring.

Pics.

Kayla and I are just too sweet. :) The ones of Kayla and me are from today, and then the one of a bunch of us sitting on the pavement is from like two weeks ago. Hah.

Summer sun.

Ok, sometimes it is not so fun being a really weepy girl, but I suppose it better than being a pseudo-trashy one...Just thought I would throw that out there.

We spontaneously went to the beach today. :) We left campus at around 8:45 in the vans with the Hot Tots. They are so funny! I love 3 and 4 year olds. Funniest kids ever! Anyway, I had jeans on, my favorite pair actually, but I didn't want them to get soaked and heavy from the water, so I rolled them up to my knees. I felt like I was summer personified. I was wearing a sky blue top with a bright yellow undershirt. I had my hair up in a messy bun, with two flowers to match the yellow of my shirt tucked behind my ear.

Mmmm.
Sandy feet.
Drenched jeans.
Wind-blown hair.
Sunkissed cheeks.
It felt good to be alive.

The ocean was beautiful. It was such a great day today. The water was extra clear today. The shore extra clean. The grass extra soft. The sky extra blue. The wind extra warm. The sun extra intense. You know. The usual. :)

I told Mariah today, "I feel like I look like summer. I feel like dance-on-a-boat-at-sunrise summer." She replied, "Sunrise?" "OH! I mean, sunset!" I exclaimed. "Right...because I wouldn't wake up at sunrise just to dance on a boat..."

I would. Maybe. Well, logically, I probably wouldn't. It's impractical. But the sentimental Ruthie (not the practical Ruthie) would in a heartbeat. I love the ocean.

Pfft.

I guess all this "eating healthy" stuff has finally showed some results. I've been doing a TON of walking (since all Heather and I do ALL day is run errands), and I haven't been snacking on junk food every 20 minutes...I checked the scales today, and I've lost ten pounds since summer has started...I told my mom and she said that's good. Um, I guess it is too...I didn't even try. Whatever. As if I'm really going to try.

I love food too much to try. :P
At least, not now anyway.

Before You Leave by Asia Oshiro.

When you gaze up at the stars tonight
Remember those stars are over me too
And when you close your eyes
Remember that I'm right here with you

This journey will take us down roads we'd rather not tread upon
This journey will teach us things we'd rather not have lessons on
But this journey will teach us how to live and how to love better than we could ever know
And the best thing is after this journey, you'll be coming home

Be strong, my friend, my love, my life, do not be afraid
God will protect us both
When you leave He will teach you to grow
And He'll grow me stronger here at home

And after this is all said and done
I can't wait to see the man you'll become
And if I could take a moment to be honest with you
I would tell you how much I'll miss you

So Asia handed me these lyrics yesterday. I think it's a new song. I like it. :)

Who I Am by Jessica Andrews.

If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That'll be alright
If I don't make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I'm gonna be just fine
'Cause I know exactly who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

So when I make big mistake
When I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowin'
I will be just fine
'Cause nothin' changes who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser, I'm a winner
I'm am steady and unstable
I am young but I'm able

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

I like this song....except I'm not Rosemary's granddaughter. ;)

Right now.

I want:
1. A good, long hug. Honestly. I still haven't gotten one, which totally bites.
2. Ice cream. Still haven't had ice cream. Oh my word, I feel so deprived.
3. Cookies. Warm, soft chocolate chip cookies.
4. Sleep. Like for 3 days straight.
5. Flowers. I feel like these days have been too grey...not cool.
6. A rainy day. And a warm bed or a comfy couch or just a blanket.
7. To cry. Not necessarily bad cry...just to cry.

I don't want to talk to anybody.
I wish I could just sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep...

I don't know about you.

But I hate crying on my pillow when I forget I have non-waterproof mascara on...

I want really really good ice cream. A lot of it.
I just want to eat and cry.
Ugh. I'm such a girl.

Good relationships.

I've found that in good relationships, these four phrases are heard often:

I love you.
I'm sorry.
I forgive you.
Thank you.

There are probably more, but these ones are good to start with. :)
That's all.
I'm sorry I don't blog a ton anymore.

:D

Ok, I don't really have much to say right now.
Um...I had an apple for breakfast...and we ate mangos at dinner. I've been drinking glasses of water all day. I've been trying to not eat as much junk food. No reason in particular. I just know it's good for me. I guess mom's thinking is rubbing off on me...:) Hah! Just kidding...

Just one of these days, I'm going to splurge on some really good ice cream. :)
Until then, I'll stick to apples and mangos and glasses of water.

Day

42.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Ok, nobody but like maybe one or two people will know why there are a bunch of e's in the title place thingy...

I don't really know what to say. Um, here. Wise words.

Don't grow a wishbone where your backbone should be. :)

Oh, and tonight, I officially decided that someway somehow I'm going to travel all over the world to see all sorts of God's creation for myself. Absolutely breathtaking.

Alrighty, I'm off to bed for the third time!!! :D I love sleep. Sometimes.

My blog.

Well, guess what? I'm actually very pleased. Yesterday I found out that people actually read my blog! Ok, I mean I knew that, but like random people! Like...people that don't tell me that they read it! It kind of made me happy. :)

Mariah says I should just go pro already, get a lot of money, give it to missions, send her to school so she could become pro at History and teach kids and things like that. :D

Don't you just love when you accidentally overhear people saying good things about you? Well, I was sleeping on the bleachers the other day, and I heard somebody, dunno who...tell somebody else that I was SUPER PRO at English. :) That made me smile. Oh, and I was already half-awake. I don't know how to do that sleeping. :)

I just want to cry.

For the millionth time today.

This is me right now:
I just want to cry. I want to go to sleep and wake up and then everything will be all right again. I don't remember the last time I was this frustrated, this disappointed. It hurts so much. I don't even know what I want. No, I do know. I want a hug. A real one. And someone to talk to.

I feel like I've just kept so much inside.
I don't even feel like the same person anymore.
And it hurts a lot.
Things are just not the same.

I hate being disappointed.

My jobs.

So everyday this week, I've had to do some really RANDOM jobs.

Monday..I counted salt. Each and every grain. Heather and I got up to about 360 something. On Tuesday, Heather and I had to cut the holder thingies that the Yankee candles are are shipped in with a little tiny hacksaw type thing. And today, Miss Geiman asked me to play computer games for a little while. It was actually pretty funny. :) 

I love what we do. I think the older kids are going to the beach tomorrow, and I'm going with the younger kids to the beach on Friday. Should be exciting. :)

Nothing too out of the ordinary.

"Look outside. It's already light, and the stars ran away with the night..."
I love this song.
"If love is an ocean wide, we'll swim in the tears we cry. They'll see us through to the other side. We're gonna make it. If love is a raging sea, you can hold on to me. We'll find away tonight. Love is an ocean wide."

Anywho, it's like seven on this Wednesday morning. My hands smell like oranges. :D I peeled some for us to eat in the car on the way to school today. :) And I'm eating a bowl of oatmeal, so I guess some healthy food is delicious...since I tolerate eating them. :)

Today is Planet Pancake Pajama Day for Hot Tots. Min Shik and Joey work down there, which I think is TOTALLY funny, since they're the oldest guys working at Cool School, but they're really good at what they do. Joey invited a couple of us down there to chow, so I'm happy. Food is good.

Hmmm...I'm happy it's Wednesday. Tonight is free. As much as I love Bible study and HFC, sometimes I really just want to rest. But it's cool. Auntie Marie and I started crying at Bible study last night. We were both crying for (and because of) Kayla. I'm seriously going to miss that girl when she has to go. I don't think I've ever poured more of myself into one person, like discipleship wise. I love that girl to pieces! And I can't imagine Harvest without her. Whatevs. God's been preparing her to do this. She's gonna be great wherever He sends her. I'm so excited to see what God's going to do. :)

More later! Off to school! With the little munchkins!

I've come to this conclusion.

My family is gorgeous. They are! I'm serious! I'm looking at pics of my aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins, etc, and I have officially come to the conclusion that we have good genes...on both my Napa side and my Natividad side. I love it.

My cousins are so beautiful. :) I love how we all have like envied straight, thick black Asian hair. And the brown, brown eyes. Haha..and the good skin. I'm loving it. So I reap the benefits of generations of good genes. Score! Hah, just kidding.

Ruthie's best day ever.

Hi, my name is Ruthie. :) I like flowers, hot tea and writing in my journal. My favorite thing to do when I have spare time is talk to people I love. I think the best weather that is naturally possible on Guam are thundersorms. I may be too old to be in grade school, but I still climb trees, run through the sprinklers, and roll in the grass. Little kids make my heart dance. I've always wanted to live on a houseboat for a summer. I've donned British accents and Southern accents alike, but deep down, you know I'll always be an island girl. Hah! Psyche! I'm no island girl, but I love where I live to pieces and couldn't imagine living anywhere but here, at least for now. Honestly, sometimes I forget that I'm usually the only brown kid among like heaps and heaps of haoles. Gotta love it though. I lost my heart to the ocean when I was 5 years old. I've read books upon books about things that I don't have to know about. I walk in other people's shoes frequently, but I know who I am. I am me. Ruthie. :D What was I talking about? Wow, I'm silly. That has nothing to do about my day. 

Oh. My best day ever. I don't know why I had to go rambling on an on about myself, but hey, this is my blog, I can do whatever I want. I'm not here to please, just to write. :) Anywho, I woke up, jumped out of bed, hopped online, and found emails that I've been waiting for! Totally made my day already, and I hadn't even been awake for 10 minutes yet. Gotta love that God knows what we love. Today was one of those days you know...where I just feel downright awesome. I feel strong-willed and powerful, like nothing can stop me. Ok, maybe not to that extent. More like...confident and happy. Beautiful and loved. Accepted and wanted. That's what it was. :)

I got to do work that I love most--errand running. I love errand running. I love going around talking to people seeing what they need to get done. I love knowing the latest news that way. I love just being useful. :) Maybe I'm just nosy. Whatevs. I had a BLAST!!! Heather is amazing!!!

Anyway, Miss Geiman made us count SALT! Can you believe that?!! Hah. Good stuff. I'm sitting here in the coffee shop...calming down from a day of laughter, smiles, and embarrassment. :) Gotta love it. 

Lovebug.

Ok, something is going on around here. I don't know what it is. Ok, scratch that. I do know what it is, but I don't know what is causing it. There are just so many official nonofficials walking around this campus. It's kind of ridiculous! Totally cute, but like ridiculous!!

I'm not going to say much, but I'm kind of glad that I'm not one of them walking around with my head in the clouds, you know? It's more fun to be a spectator...I love all of 'em to pieces, but me? I like me right where I am. I learn better sitting on the sidelines. 

Even later ramblings.

So. I took this quiz thingy on facebook, and this is what it told me.

"You are perfect balance of everything. You've gone through a fair share of things to be able to put yourself in peoples shoes. You are caring and understanding. You are fun and warm to be around. You tend to help people. You know whats it is like to be at an all time low and you know how to deal with things lot. And you are good friends with all of your friends. You are kinda like the goldie locks of personalities. The things you do are practical, but sensitive to whom it would affect. You are at ease with yourself, and have spent a good deal of time finding yourself, and now that you have, you've finally bloomed into something beautiful."

whoo.

Ridiculous.

I am officially depressed with the food choices in my house. I was going to be all cool like and actually cook something to eat for once...I was going to make Crazy Spam, but we don't have stewed tomatoes...or SPAM. Well, we still have the green beans..but I'm so not gonna eat just the beans.

I look in our freezer to see if there's anything that I'm capable of cooking. I see this bright package. I take it out of our freezer to examine it. GUESS WHAT IT SAID?!?!?
Meatless and Soy-free Grounds

If it has neither meat or soy, one can only stop and wonder what in the world it is made out of! It made me sad. And to top that all off, I just realized I am wearing my shirt backwards...no wonder I've felt like something was choking me this whole time!!

Oh and just for the record, I got a cluster map thingy, because I want to see how in the world Luke gets hits from like...Indonesia and Italy. But to make myself feel better, I will now post up a wonderful picture of my last night chilling out with Harrison. We ate out at TGIF on Tuesday night...good stuff. :) I love mashed potatoes, by the way. That's just free info. :P

Cold, dark Sunday night.

I'm sitting on the edge of my bed contemplating whether or not I should cook something to eat. I hear the sounds of really good piano music. Waterfall, it is. I have clean hair. :) Hah, only those who know that I hate dirty hair will get a kick out of that. I wasn't able to go to church tonight. Mom isn't feeling well, and I couldn't get a ride. No biggie. I kind of liked being able to rest.

So. I started crying again. I don't really know why, but have you ever just gotten these weird waves of emotion? Nothing's going on, but you just feel like crying? Wait. That might just be a me thing. Or a girl thing. Never mind.

This summer has definitely been a growing one. Hey. I'll post up something I wrote in my journal this morning during service. :)

I need to step up. There are people in our youth group that feel like outsiders. The body of Christ is the LAST place people should feel like they don't belong. The church is supposed to be where people feel accepted and loved, not condemned and rejected.

There are things that I wish I could have my way these next couple of weeks, but God knows that's not what's best for right now. I'm so glad I'm not God. I'm too ADD.

Because I'm a girl and I think about things like this.

I will never name my son:
John or
Josh or
Michael.

Just saying.

I think I'd like to name my daughter after one of my grandmas. They have pretty names.
Julianna. and Lydia.
I love it.

Asia wants to name one of her daughters Dawn. That sounds like a pretty middle name.
I'd love to name one of my daughters after like virtues, but then to me, they names would get too mundane and I would think they would lose their luster. Like Grace. or Faith. or Charity.

And I wouldn't want to be some hippie and name my kid weird stuff like, River or something. Well, they sure do sound pretty. Autumn. Summer. Aurora. whatever.

Addison is a cool name, but it kind of seems out of place. Kind of awkward. It only fits one last name I can think of. Asia would agree. Uncle Adi was the coolest guy...I kind of miss him. He was looked up to by so many kids, Asia and I would be some of them...and other kids from his church......yeah. Don't know where he is now. Tears.

I would totally name my daughter after Asia. Elaine. pretty. pretty. pretty. And I've always liked "Mae" as a middle name, since I've known Catherine. Julianna Mae...that's been my favorite. Asia and I like to talk about these things. It kind of makes me laugh...I think all girls do. Not for anything or with anyone specifically, just in general. It's like how all girls plan their wedding...things like that. :) I don't even remember why I am talking about this...

Oh yeah. Names. I was looking at my friends on facebook...and there are so many people with the same name. I like being the only Ruth Anne I know... :D I feel special.

Saturday afternoon.

Dad and I were going to go out today, but then we unanimously decided that today was not the best day to go out. I am tired, and Dad would just prefer next Saturday. I didn't mind. I like being lazy. I just finished a Nutella sandwich...so good. I had forgotten that Mom likes to hide the good food (meaning the food that's bad for us) in the cabinets, and she prominently displays the healthy food all over the place. To me, that's like posting up warning signs all over the place saying, "DO NOT EAT!!" :) Just kidding. I know Mom means well. So I looked through the cupboards remembering that she said something about food in there "in case I was hungry." I found a jar of Nutella!!! I love Nutella! It is like...happiness in a jar! More like yumminess in a jar, I guess. :) I toasted some bread and spread some on, and I poured myself a glass of milk, like not soy milk. I guess things change. :)

I am so lazy!! It is unbelievable!!! Whatever. I work hard the other days of the week. I still have like 3 loads of laundry to do and then I have to iron Dad's uniforms and clothes for tomorrow...I feel like I'm getting so old! OH! I just remembered I still haven't washed my sheets, and I need to wash my comforter...argh. I am seriously starting to dislike laundry!!! It is like it never ends, but I guess there are things to be thankful for. Like: I have clothes to launder, I have a washing machine and dryer, so I don't have to wash everything by hand...and I know how to do my own laundry! I guess that's good. :) Ok, enough about me talking about my laundry. :D

Go. Be. Love.

Prayer Bible Study

Day 1. (5/27/09)
Goals for the Summer (as far as prayer goes)
1. Have specific times set to pray for certain things. i.e. Mondays-school, Tuesdays-unsaved friends and family, etc.
2. See God work in astounding ways with my eyes opened because of faithful, fervent prayers.
3. Learn to pray from my heart, where it flows naturally, and it doesn't become vain repetition.
4. Get so used to talking to God that it becomes by default setting, the first thing that I do in every situation, my first life of defense, not my last resort.
5. Have alone time conversing with God every day. Faithful praying, with heart behind it, out of my own volition.

Day 2. (5/28/09)
It's so easy to pray vain, vague prayers to God. Be specific with God. Be real with Him. Ruthie, do you remember two summers ago when you wanted to be that girl who had full-on conversations with God and had inside jokes with Him? Ask God to help you love your unsaved friends, to be a light. Don't give up. Stay faithful--persistent and consistent. Miss a day? Talk to Him tomorrow--He's still your God. God would much rather have my honest complaints than my absence. Bring everything to God in prayer.

Day 3. (5/29/09)
Prayed with my prayer buddies, Heather and Toni.

Day 4. (6/1/09)
"If I talk to my girlfriend like 5 minutes a day, what kind of relationship would we have? How about the relationship between God and me if I talked to God that little?"-Josh.

1. Are we commanded to pray?
   -Luke 18:1 "men ought to always pray"
   -James 4:2 "ye have not because ye ask not"
   
   • who am I to ask so little of God?
2. Prayer brings JOY.
   -John 16:24 "that your joy may be full"
   
3. Prayer delivers us from troubles.
   -Psalm 34:6 "man cried...saved [from] troubles"
4. Prayer lets God's wisdom be shown to us.
   -James 1:5 "lack wisdom...ask of God"
5. Prayer is a channel of power.
   -Jeremiah 33:3 "show you great and mighty things"

Did you know it is a sin not to pray?
-1 Samuel 12:13-14
Does God answer prayer?
-Yes, beyond our expectations.
-Luke 18:7-sometimes with <u>delay
-2 Corinthians 12:8-sometimes differently
-Isaiah 65:24-sometimes immediately
-If we ask amiss, we do not receive! James 4:3
I want faith to pray, faith to move mountains. How do I get faith to do that? "Faith cometh by hearing, hearing by the Word of God. " Romans 10:17


Day 5. (6/2/09)
I'm sitting out on the lanai of the FLC just journaling...and I read a couple chapters from my Bible. Good stuff. I'm realizing that God is growing me in big ways. I don't remember a time in my life like the one I'm in right now where I've had frequent, extensive quality alone time with God like I have been. It's good. My relationship with my Father should mean the most to me. All I really want to do is know my Jesus and fall more and more in love with Him. His love is abundant, His grace is sufficient, and His goodness is overflowing. God is the strength of my heart.

Model Way to Pray

• Praise and Worship God and Truth
• Confess my sins; turn away from my wilful sin and to following the Gospel
• Give thanks
• Let your requests be made known

Faith
-without works is dead
-needed to please God (Hebrews 11:6)
-I want faith to pray. I want faith to move mountains. No, I want even greater faith.

Prayers cannot be answered:
-when it tries to change God's decrees (Deut 3:23)
-avoiding chastisement (2 Sam 12:16)
-prompted by selfish motives (Matt 5:6; James 4:23)
-meaningless and repetitious (Matt 6:7)

My precious Redeemer, why are You so good to me? Father, I love You. I want my life to glow with the illuminating presence of Your glory. You are my King, and today, I bow my knee and long to worship You just like You deserve. My heart is so full of thankfulness. You are more than enough for me. I cannot even begin to scratch the surface of Your love for me. I long to know You as You are. This is me right now: I am just so thankful for God's love for me. There's this overabundant sense of peace in me. All I want to do is just sit in His presence all day just thinking about what God is doing in my life. Beneath the peace, there's a continuous flow of joy. I'm doing ok. I don't really feel like myself. I don't know what to tell people when they ask me why I've seemed kind of out of it. I just feel pressured to "be happy." That's not fair. I don't think it should matter what people think. I am who I am, who God made me to be. I am basking in the light of His glory, completely satisfied in Him. Therefore, it really shouldn't matter what people think. :)

Day 6. (6/3/09)

1. Prayers can't be answered when ctd
   -without first confessing consciously known sin (1 John 1:8-10)
   -disregards the known will of God (1 Samuel 8:9-10)
   -without honor for your wife (1 Peter 3:7)
2. Praying positions
   -Any position! (deep stuff.)
   -Examples from the Bible
   
   • lifting hands
   • bowed knees
   • face on the ground
   • face to Heaven
   -What matters: humility towards God
3. When to pray
   -continuously (1 Thess. 5:17)
   -night and day
   -all night
   -before bed
4. Kinds of prayers
   -confession
   -intercession
   -needs
   -praise and worship
   -thanksgiving
   -there are more...
5. How to pray. (see day 5)

Day 7. (6/4/09)
Keys to effective prayer
-Set aside a specific time to pray
-Ask God to give me a desperate longing to know Him
God answers prayer if:

• I've confessed sins
• according to His will
• doesn't change His decrees
• offered in faith
• abide in Him and Him in me
• I've forgiven others
• I delight in Him and do what pleases Him
• in reverent submission
• ask in Jesus' name
• glorifies the Father
• I keep His Word
• I ask in humility

People and prayers
-Luke 18:9-14 "for everyone that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.
-The Pharisee's prayer showed no reflection of God and who He is or any of His attributes.
What is my motive for prayer?
Does God hear prayers of an unrepentant sinner?
-1 Peter 3:12
-Isaiah 59:1
-Psalm 66:18
-John 9:31

Can I really pray this??
-Psalm 26:2
-Psalm 139:23-24
-Isaiah 41:8-10, 11b
-Come to God with a pure heart

Lord, You know my heart. You know that I desire to love and serve You with all that I am. Thank You that You are my God , that You are the Maker of the Universe and the Orchestrator of all that happens in it. I am so in awe of Your works. Your ways are far beyond anything I could ever think up. Your wisdom is too good for me. Thank You for the mercies that You give me every morning. Thank You for being the joy and strength of my heart. Your timing is perfect. You are so good to me. All that I am, all that I have is way more than I deserve. Your love overwhelms me. I want to pray with a pure and loving heart. May my prayers mean something. I want to be a prayer warrior of Yours. I want my heart to beat in perfect synch with Yours. I come boldly before Your throne of grace and just ask You to show me Your glory. I want to see You for all that You are. Lord, give me the strength to die daily so that Your live will and can live through me. I ask that You grow my patience through trials where I will have to wait on You. I ask for brokenness and humilty, so that I will see that it's You that I need, only You. You complete me, everything else is just Your blessing and grace being poured on a lowly sinner, such as I. May I learn to love like You love. May I have the compassion that You have for others. Lord, I want to live for You and love You everyday with everything in me.

Carnival Day!

So since this is my blog, I can be selfish and only put up pictures with me in it on this post. :)

Ok, this is a pic of the Hot Tots. If you can spot the girl in the pink shirt and the girl to the left of her (wearing a white headband), that would be the mini versions of Asia and me. No kidding. They just finished K-3, and they're like best friends. It's wayyy cute! That's like Asia and me when we were their age. They are always together, always waiting for each other, always looking out the other. It's adorable!!! I had them both in extended care this past year. The girl in the pink shirt reminds me so much of Asia! She likes to do her own thing, and she's really daring for being so young and so little! I think she was about the smallest student at HCA this year! Adorable! And then her best friend with the headband, totally reminds me of me! Luke and I were watching these two as they were getting briefed as to what they were supposed to be doing at the carnival today, and she kept eating and not paying attention. Luke and I were laughing SO much! I love it!!

This is a pic of me working. Um, I had like the easiest game ever! All the kids had to do was throw the Frisbee and try to make at least one of them land on the stars. You can't see the stars...but they're there! I had so much fun! The kids were so funny!! I had a couple fall in line over and over again, because it was so easy to win. Then one time when I was running out of prize candy, there were these two super sweet girls that each gave me a piece from their prize candy. It kind of defeat the purpose though, since they won it back, but I thought the thought was sweet. :D

And this one is just fun. :) I love how Mariah is totally knocked out in the background! It's funny!! Well, I got a ladybird painted on my face just for kicks. That about sums up my day...
Oh, we took a pic of the reference Micah 1:8 painted on our forearms. We meaning the Cool School team. :) Funny stuff. Josh is crazy. He's like the best intern ever! I was so tired when we were sweeping up afterward, so he hands me this huge broom and tells me to do something with it. I didn't understand what he meant, so he took it from me, and was like, "You gotta do one of these numbers." Then he came up with this hilarious beat and started dancing and pretending the broom was a guitar. Fun times. I'm telling ya! I am having so much fun.

On a random side-note, I was texting one of the younger girls on the CS team, and she said the sweetest thing to me today. She told me that she wants to be like me, because I'm funny, smart and godly. She says that she wants to become closer friends with me this summer. I just about died! I didn't even realize that people thought that about me!!! I'm so excited though, because I really wanted to get closer to her too, but I didn't know if she wanted to talk to me, like ever! Our team is starting to bond. It's a wonderful feeling.

Frustrating!!!

So I have this person in mind, and the way this person lives his life confuses me.
He says he's a Christian, and he sort of lives like it...
but he's always so stinking SAD!
I don't think in all the time I've known him he's been really, genuinely thankful or joyful.
His smiles fade.
His laughter dies out.
There is no life behind his eyes.
I don't understand.

If you're truly walking with Jesus, living in the light of His Word, won't you have some kind of joy, even if you are sad?

This person is in a perpetual state of sadness. He's either just about to be sad, sad, or just got over being sad for like two seconds. It's so depressing! I don't even like being around him anymore because I can't stand how ungrateful he seems...

Maybe he just has growing up to do.
'cause there are so many things that make me happy if I just have the eyes to see them.
God has blessed us with so much. There really is no reason to be all mopey over
n o t h i n g.

sorry. i am just venting. because i. am. very. frustrated.

Represent.

Anyone else feel the same?
This is a rock on campus that Jer and I affectionately call the "Harvest rock." It totally sums up all that I feel for my second home.

Wiped.

It's 8:10pm. I've been sleeping since 4:30pm.
I was unbelievably tired, but now...
Now I am totally rested.

Unbeknown to me before this afternoon, Mom is spending a couple of days in the PI. She left tonight. I didn't go to the airport to see her off, and I kind of feel bad!!! She said it was ok that I stay home and rest...but I don't like to leave goodbyes up in the air like that. Whatever. She'll be home by Sunday, Lord willing.

It rained today.
I love the rain.
I just sat on the lanai at the FLC and wrote in my journal.
I went puddle hopping. :)
I love the rain.
Although it didn't pour down too much, it was at least overcast the whole day, which made me happy. I love the rain.
The rain makes everything cozy. It makes me so sleepy too. :)

I know it's SUMMER because...

1. There are babies that run around everywhere wearing only their diapers.
2. All the haole kids smell like sunscreen. (ok, maybe not all, but there sure are a lot!)
3. Yards everywhere have people randomly lying on the grass.
4. Watermelon is served at every other fiesta/picnic.
5. The air smells like pre-BBQ, post-BBQ, and BBQ almost anywhere you go.
6. People drive with their windows rolled down and their music playing more often than not.
7. The days are longer...sunrise is earlier, sunset is later.
8. Night-outs are planned for Wednesday nights to Chamorro Village.
9. I go to bed exhausted and wake up completely rested.
10. Jack Johnson has been playing on loads of people's ipods. :) whoooo!

Those are all the ones I came up with today. I'll add more eventually.