This is pathetic.

You know what is sad? The fact that the last time I blogged was in AUGUST! What happened to when I used to blog at least once a day. Now we're lucky if I even think about blogging! Well, I have thought about it, but...I've never got around to it ok? (Haha, Nacho Libre reference)

Notes:
1. Anyway, I really don't have Graphic Design during my eighth hour; I was able to get into Internship, which I enjoy lots!
2. I'm sorry that Twitter keeps asking my visitors to sign in. I decided, for privacy issues, to put my tweets on private.
3. I know I am acting as if the whole world reads my blogs, so please forgive me if I am overstating my following. :)

What's new?
Academically
I have never been busier during a school year than I have been this year! It's insane! I have projects and papers and book reports due left and right, and many times I have no idea where to start! But God gives so much grace! My one academic goal that I had to start off the year was that I was going to turn in all of my assignments in on time. I have now expanded my one goal into THREE!
1. Turn in all assignments in on time.
So far so good.
2. Make wise use of my time (i.e. work ahead)
3. Aim for the Principal's list award (e.g. a 97% or above average in every class)
We will see. Report cards come out in three weeks, I think?

I had a spiritual update to add to this....but there is no resolution at the end, and I can't bear posting something with no resolving ending.

Favorite FB statuses ever.

July 20, 2010
"I love my job!!! Other people may think differently, but...I have been secretly wanting to work housekeeping at Harvest since I was 7! :D Oh, I finished the book, Bryce Collier. Percy and Annabeth!!! At the end!!! Eeeee!!! :D"

June 26, 2010
"I am amazed at some people's incapability to spell. One day, I will teach spelling class."

June 16, 2010
"Does it bother anyone else when people try to share their thoughts on Facebook through notes, but they completely fail grammatically? It totally distracts me, and I can't refocus to read their message. D: I feel bad...:)"

June 5, 2010
"Does anyone else get scared that the person is offended (angry or upset) when they use ellipses too much?"

May 28, 2010
"Ok, I love how there are many sides of summer. Today was the play in the water, laugh as much as possible, watch other people slather on tons of sunscreen (because I don't wear sunscreen ;D), and slide down the humongous water slide till your skin is wrinkly kind of day!!!!"

May 20, 2010
"So, Asia Elaine Oshiro and I were trying to cook corned beef for breakfast. You'd think that since we're part of the generation that's known to be "tech-savvy," we'd be able to open the can of corned beef. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong WRONG. We totally FAILED and ended up having to scoop most of it through the little slit we opened...:("

April 19, 2010
"It really irks me when people are incapable of original thought and continuously quote other people. Usually my first reaction, whether right or wrong, is to wonder whether they take the time to read books that aren't watered down to help "my generation" understand English. Ridiculous."

March 28, 2010
"Even though my hair looks wild, I praise God for all the baby hairs that have been growing!!! I feel so blessed to have gone through losing my hair and having it grow back! God has taught be a lot about trusting in Him and acceptance in Him. It is so easy to feel insecure when your hair is falling out! :)"

January 30, 2010
"I was at Ross the other day, and I noticed this empty cabinet. I thought it was completely made of glass. I thought that I saw this girl looking at me through the cabinet. I tried not to make eye contact with her, 'cause I didn't want to be rude. Then I realized that the cabinet is actually made out of mirrors! The girl I was trying to avoid eye contact with was me. I felt embarrassed for myself. It was pretty funny."

January 27, 2010
"Miss French says I am a good example of the word "demonstrative." Meaning: "characterized by or given to open exhibition or expression of one's emotions, attitudes, etc., esp. of love or affection." I think this is true. :D That word, and sentimentality."

October 23, 2009
""Just suppose, Could it be? Dear God, is Magnolia Alexander the answer to the countless prayers I've prayed under the prairie stars?" I love this book! :D"

October 18, 2009
"Thank you to everyone who prayed for me!! I don't have lupus, diabetes or leukemia! I have healthy red blood cells, enough white blood cells and correct levels of vitamins and sugar!! I am just lacking in vitamin D, which can be fixed by more time in Guam's hot hot sun! :D Eeee! I'm so happy. :D Thank you, Lord!!"

September 22, 2009
"Ok, I'm reading the fourth book in the Percy Jackson and The Olympians series, and in each book I've read, I've found at least one spelling error, grammar mistake, or word swap. This is nuts!"

September 1, 2009
"I think God chose it to be "Make Ruthie Cry Because She's Absolutely in Awe of Me" day today for Himself, because today was totally a I feel like crying because I'm so in awe of God kind of day"

August 22, 2009
"I added Photo Booth to my dock on my Macbook...it's really bugging my OCD, because everything else on my dock is in the color scheme of blue, white and silver. This red and black thing is totally clashing. D:"

Ok, I'm kinda tired of scrolling through old stuff. :D Hope you laughed. :D
"just for kicks and giggles!" haha

And so it is.

As far as I know, I will be staying home till school starts. This whole summer that hasn't happened! I've spent 11 weeks at Harvest, either helping at Cool School or working Housekeeping. And I have loved every second of it.

*sigh* Here's my schedule!
1-Psychology/speech
2-MWF: Modern Literature/TTH: Guam History
3-
4-World Literature
5-
6-Lunch
7-
8-Graphic Design

Um, I really can't remember the blank spots, but I am also taking Honors English, Government and Economics, and Life Skills. I just don't remember what time those classes are :D

What I'm really excited about is that the book I decided to read "for fun" on Monday turns out to be the first book we'll be reading in World Literature. Something else that is exciting is that I found out today that I've already read most of the books we're going to be reading in Modern Literature. Whoo-hoo! I'm honestly really ecstatic!

OH! :D And guess what! I was asked to work extended care for the the preschoolers this year! :D I'm happy!!! I was praying that I would be able to work extended care this year! I used to work with those kids during my sophomore year, but for some reason, none of the high schoolers were able to work this past year...which is why I'm very thankful I can work this year! :D And I'll be working every afternoon except for Thursdays because....

I'll be in the play this fall! We're doing a production of Hillbilly Wedding, which is actually very funny. :D I'm the mama :D

If anyone was wondering why I never really include other people's names on my blog, it's more for their privacy. I wouldn't feel comfortable about someone talking about me on his/her blog without my permission. Just saying. :D

I'm thrilled that school is starting up soon! :D

I have just ONE academic goal this year. I WILL TURN IN EVERYTHING ON TIME. :D

Eee! :D

445 days of bliss.

Yes, there have been ups and downs.
But it's been SO worth fighting for.

God is here.

As I was cleaning the refridgerator for Mom this afternoon, I was listening to some music. Lady Antebellum's "I Was Here" played. That song and "American Honey" are the only songs by that group that I liked. While it played, I was thinking back to the first time I had ever heard it. Last summer this song popped up on one of my Pandora stations. Immediately, I loved it. If anyone of you know me, I don't like leaving things at status quo. I don't like to settle for mediocre. When I really thought through the words, I realized something. There was so much of the word "I." The song is full of the attitude that "I can do anything without anyone's help; I will do it all, and everyone better remember me for it." The sentiment of that song is still something I could relate to, especially with my last year of high school coming up. It is in everyone's nature to want to be remembered, to leave some kind of legacy, to make a difference. I know it's in mine. 

I've been thinking a lot about this coming school year. God is going to do great things. I am so sure of it. In all honesty, I have unshakeable faith that God is going to work in the hearts and lives of the students at Harvest like we have never seen Him work before. All of those amazing things don't just happen by accident with His children just standing around doing nothing. I am also absolutely certain that this year is going to come with gigantic challenges to those who profess to be Christians. I'm counting myself in that one. When God works, Satan is also working to discourage believers, sabatoge God's work and deceive even more unsaved people. God can do AMAZiNG things, and it really is my heart's desire to witness Him work!!! It's my prayer that we (I'm referring to other students at Harvest who are Christians) stand united as Christ's body in our school and make a difference in the lives of those around us. I'm really tired of seeing passive rebellion, hypocrites, and cowards all around me. What we need as a school, as a church, and, on an even greater scale, as an island is revival; but that first starts in your own personal life. Revival in your own heart first.  

God has been teaching me that this year I need to stand for Him, no matter what it takes. I'm laying all on the line. My soul cries out to Him to change our school, our island: that all would come to repentance. But I know if I want to see change, I need to lead by example. Whatever it takes, Lord, I'm willing to do. Even if I stand alone. 

This year, my senior year, will be different. It doesn't matter if nobody remembers Ruth Anne Natividad. So long as they know who Jesus Christ is...that's all that matters. I am nothing. Christ is everything. 


I Was Here by Lady Antebellum
"You will notice me
I'll be leaving my mark like initials carved
In an old oak tree, you wait and see

Maybe I'll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I'll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold, I don't know
But I'm ready start 'cause I know in my heart

I wanna do something that matters, say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I wanna do something better with the time I've been given
I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
Leave nothing less than something that says "I was here"

I will prove you wrong
If you think I'm all talk, you're in for a shock
'Cause this dream's too strong and before too long

Maybe I'll compose symphonies
Maybe I'll fight for world peace
'Cause I know it's my destiny
To leave more than a trace of myself in this place!

I wanna do something that matters, say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I wanna do something better with the time I've been given
I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says "I was here"

And I know that I, I will do more than just pass through this life
I'll leave nothing less than something that says "I was here"
I was here." 

I do want to do something that matters: live for God. At the end of this year, I want nothing more than people to look back and say, "God is here."

Because it was annoying the guts out of me...

I found my favorite poem....EVER!! :D


Dream in Color by Adi Rudik
She dreams in color
Of fields of splendor
Of old and new
Of memories past and future longings
She says she dreams in color, of me

I dream in one shade
Flickers of images
Snaps of life
Glimpses of reality and nothing

She dreams in color
A clear picture in her mind
A life outside of life
A real within the unreal
She dreams in color, of me

I envy her dream and vision
Her mind's fine eye
I dream in one color
The color of her eyes.

I mourn.

So all I can say today is that you cannot expect from people what they do not have.

I cannot expect social graces from people who have grown up with no need for them.
I cannot expect respect from people who have not yet learned humility.
I cannot expect joy from people who have heavy hearts.

Today I learned that sometimes people don't get enthralled, ravished, and thrilled about learning and knowing new things about God. Maybe I can say that's a shame. It is a shame that you don't want to take a step of faith away from mediocre, comfortable Christianity.

My dad.

You know, I think I've been to the moon and back with adventures with my dad. We've crossed oceans, cities and streets to be with each other, literally and figuratively.

Dad,
I love you so much.
You've sacrificed for me.
You've taken care of me.
You've loved me beyond comprehension.

I respect you so much.
You've taught me how to
Work dilgently,
Love unconditionally,
Serve humbly,
Live honestly.

I don't think I could ask for any better dad. Sure we've had our ups and downs, but time and time again, you've shown me your love so faithfully. I could never doubt your love...ever. Your love for Mom and our family is the truest kind.

I'll always be your little girl. And you'll always be my greatest hero.
I love you, Dad. Happy Father's Day.

Memorial Day.

Today is Memorial Day. As much as I am thankful for those who have died for my freedom, and as much as I specifically love American history...

Honestly, it is hard to understand and personalize the gravity of the death of many brave men and women-when I am an American whose "fathers" did not die in American wars. It's an ambiguous and abstract feeling.

Nonetheless, I am forever grateful. Whether I realize the depth of their sacrifice or not, there are countless lives that have been spent so that I can be where I am today.

This day is a human reflection of the Ultimate Sacrifice Christ was for us. Jesus demonstrated His love for us, while we were yet sinners. He put His life on the line. For us. To give us the freedom from sin.

Maybe you can personalize this kind of sacrifice more than I can. Just remember. Today's a day we look back at our history: personally, nationally, and universally and remember. Don't let the heroes of our past become unsung.

Love Lead Me On.

"Someday I'm gonna go out to the country
I'll drive til the highway ends
Chasing after picture perfect sunsets
To take away my breath
I'm tired of living in the city
The world's got me tied on a string
Wanderlust has overcome me
Like Lewis and Clark I'll dream
There's a million different ways to go
Only God can know where I will call my home

Love lead me on
Where no one else has gone
Faith keep me strong
Love lead me on

The open road can be so lonely
I'm longing for someone to love
If only I could share my new surroundings
Open the doors above
There's a million different ways to go
Only God can know where I will call my home

Love lead me on
Where no one else has gone
Faith keep me strong
Love lead me on

Faith keep me strong
Love lead me home"

By the Afters.

I love this song. I thought about today while I was basking in the sun. We had water day today, and it was an absolute BLAST!!! I am really sunkissed. I love not burning in the sun. Deepest sympathies to those who do. This summer is going to be great. I can feel it in my bones.

Good times.

Ok, so I typed this blog out earlier, and it was nice and long...but the silly computer got confused and deleted all that I wrote :D

Anyway, I'll just summarize. I love to work. I love going to sleep really tired. I don't like to sit at a computer and type all day, not that kind of work. I like to run errands and talk to people and fill up inflatable pools, crazy stuff like that.

Today in Bible study, I realized I really ought to be learning something every day. It's easy to see spiritual change after a week, or several months or several days, but God is continuously working in me and growing me that there should be a distinct, no matter how small, difference between today and yesterday. :D

I've been reading through Colossians for my Bible reading. Tonight I read about my life being hid in Christ! Isn't that amazing!!! I share the same spiritual eternal life attributes that God has! I have eternal life that unbelievers don't understand the depth or width of how AWESOME that is! No one and nothing can take that life away from me! It's been really good. Really really good.

I'm so excited to grow this summer! It's already exponentially better than last summer. Not as many tears. ;)

Bliss.

I think I've mentioned it on my Twitter before, but these past few weeks I have been so unbelievably happy. Like really, truly, deeply happy. It's not the kind of happiness that comes in wisps. It's this substantial kind of joy (I guess would be the right word.)

God has done miracles in my family. I stand astounded, awed, and astonished at the power of my Lord. There is a sweetness in the relationships I have at home. I am so so so thankful.

I feel

Safe.

Loved.

Accepted.

I am so grateful to know that I have such cherished memories with Mom and Dad. Sometimes I am reduced to tears because of the goodness of God overflowing into my life from theirs. God is so good. I can't even say that enough. My family is a testimony of God's continual pursuit of His children. Eeee!!! Oh I am just GUSHING!

My heart is so full of joy.

I have so much to be thankful.

God has shown me through this that I can't give up praying...ever.

He holds all things in His hands, and He will allow His will to come to pass in His time.

He only asks that I trust Him, obey His voice, and let Him be God.

And let me tell you, He does a mighty fine job at being God!

He is God. and He really is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Oh I am just so happy. What more can I say?

My Life Skills Class.

Maybe I've posted about this subject before, but I can't remember.

For those of you who don't know, our Bible class this year is all the Junior girls combined. With Miss Choi teaching us, it has been such a growing experience! At the beginning of the year, many girls went up to the front of our class and shared what God's done in their lives. Miss Choi has over and over again shared what God had been laying on her heart to share with us. Throughout the year, we have continued to challenge one another with the things God has been teaching us in our own personal lives. It's been really great. Honestly.

Miss Choi said today that every person has their story. Some girls have shared part of their stories with our class. It has provided a sense of openness in our class. God is so good. Yes, we have all gone through pain. But through that pain, we grow. Growth does not come without pain. It has been such a blessing being able to share with each other the pains of this life and see how God has shown Himself strong through that.

I shared with someone today that if there is anything I've learned in Bible class this year, it is that my God is Sovereign. There is a specific reason why all of us were put in that class. There is a reason why we all decided to put ourselves at risk of being rejected and exposed our pain to other people. Whatever that reason is, I know that it has helped me heal. There has been a lot of pain, no doubt. But I have also had the privilege of seeing great healing. To be together, to hurt together, to heal together, and to grow together. That's what I've seen this year.

And through it all, God is growing each and every girl in that class to become the young lady He wants us to be. He is taking our past hurts and teaching us to let go of anger and bitterness, give it up to Him, and learn to truly love. He is taking our ashes and making it something beautiful.

Days like today.

Before I get uninspired and totally distracted, I need to tell you guys about TODAY!

So I woke up with a crazy headache that I had for no apparent reason. I got up and started getting ready for school, but then I got really nauseous and weak, so I went to go tell my mom. I didn't want to just stay home because I had a dress rehearsal for choir and I couldn't miss that. My stomach and head hurt so badly that I was rolling around on my bed and crying. Well, long story short, Mom thought it was an attack from the enemy because of all the work God has been doing through our family these past couple of days, so she and my sister prayed over me....and then I fell back asleep for another two hours. The last thing running through my mind, "God promises that He will lay His healing hands upon the sick and they will be healed." SIGH.

Two hours of sleep later. I am better. :D So I go to school. And yes. Of my own volition.

Fast forward two hours. Alice and I randomly end up getting the opportunity to speak in Miss Choi's 10th grade girls' Life Skils class (Bible class). Alice shared a testimony of what God has been doing in her life the past couple of days, and she challenged the girls about how freeing it is to confess sin, make things right with God and others, and accept the consequences maturely. And she was so right on when she said: the scariest place to be is when you are a Christian and you have unconfessed sin against God, but the BEST place to be is when you know you are in a right standing with Him. So true. Wise words there, girl. :D

I also spoke, very extemporaneously. Miss Choi just asked right before that class if I could speak, and I couldn't turn her down. It was something that I had been wanting to do for ages, and here was an opportunity being given to me.

I can't remember word for word what I had said, but it was along the lines of:

As a Christian, there will be a time in your life where you will have to decide whether you really believe in God, whether you are going to take a step of faith and take God for His Word, whether you will believe that the Bible is the absolute authority. I shared about the time when Mom got sick and was in and out of the hospital for a couple of weeks. I told those girls that it was then that I really got serious about God. It was then when I was pushed to the end of myself and I had to ask myself if I really believe God is truthful when He promises to me in His Word that if my mother and father forsake me, He will lift me up. I had to ask if I really believed that all things work together for good and that He is the Father of all Comfort.

I told them that we can go to Harvest since we were in kindergarten and learn all these facts about God and the Bible, but if we don't live out what we learn, all we're doing is learning how to be really good liars. When will we take the mask off? When will we stop kidding ourselves and get honest with God about sin and who we really are?

If you don't go to Harvest, then you probably don't realize this, but the difference between this year's junior class and the other high school classes is a huge chasm. Aside from all biases, there is something different about my class. I know that those sophomore girls knew that, because I have talked to many of them. Some of them have even asked me why things are so different with us. You may be asking the same question. God's grace is what makes us different. Yeah, we are TOTALLY not perfect, but because there were a few of us our freshman year who took God seriously, God took us seriously. Because of His grace, He has really brought our class close together.

I took that illustration and brought it to the point of: Take God seriously, and He will take your seriousness seriously. I told them they can mock me and even think I'm foolish for giving my all for the Gospel, but I also told them that if they do, I know something they don't. I know how real, how good, and how awesome JEHOVAH God is! I told them that my life is a picture of God's grace. Honestly. There have been so many things that my family and I have gone through that we never could have survived without God. I shared with them specific things in my family that I have seen God do.

I told them that if they are challenged by what was said and finally decide to take the next step in their Christian walk, I'm not going to mock them. There are people that are going to support them, not ridicule them for standing up for Christ. I told them that even the reason I was speaking in their class was to support Alice, my sister in Christ. And if they ever wanted to talk, they can come to us...and other Christian girls. I challenged them to be that girl who people can point at and say, "Yeah, that girl is God's girl. She's not perfect, but she knows exactly who she is in Christ."

In all seriousness, I praise God for that opportunity. I praise God for the fact that my life is a picture of His grace and sovereignty. I praise God for all the things that He has brought me through. Even for just one person I touch....each hardship is worth it.

Dinner Special.

I'm super excited because for the past week or so, my cousin and I have been planning on making dinner together for our families. Her family is going to come over to our house this afternoon, and after lunch, we're going to go grocery shopping for missing ingredients, and then we are going to cook!! :D I'm really excited.

Mama says that she doesn't mind us cooking, because we are never going to learn how to cook.

We're going to make chicken parmigiana. And....I will get back to you on the dessert. :D

Black Saturday.

In Holy Week terminology, today is Black Saturday. It is the in-between day that Jesus was neither on the cross nor raised from the dead yet.

I am struggling coming up with something to say. So here. Something to think about. It is because of the cross that we declared righteous before a just God. It is because of the cross that we are able to have eternal life with the Father who loves us beyond measure.

Beneath the Cross of Jesus

Beneath the cross of Jesus
I find a place to stand,
And wonder at such mercy
That calls me as I am;
For hands that should discard me
Hold wounds which tell me, "Come."
Beneath the cross of Jesus
My unworthy soul is won.

Beneath the cross of Jesus
His family is my own—
Once strangers chasing selfish dreams,
Now one through grace alone.
How could I now dishonor
The ones that You have loved?
Beneath the cross of Jesus
See the children called by God.

Beneath the cross of Jesus—
The path before the crown—
We follow in His footsteps
Where promised hope is found.
How great the joy before us
To be His perfect bride;
Beneath the cross of Jesus
We will gladly live our lives.

Whoo-hoo!!!

and most people will think that I'm generally dorky, because this post really will make no sense whatsoever. For the most part at least.

I was excited to post this, because...I was excited.

Even though you will probably never read this, I am so happy for you!!! :D I cried a little when I found out. :) That's super exciting. I'll be praying for you!!!

Ok, I'm done :D

Embarrassing Moments of this week.

I thought I should tell some funny stories. You know, just to lighten up my blog a little bit. God has given me many opportunities to laugh at myself so I will share them with you, and maybe you will laugh with me. I'm laughing too, so you are unable to laugh AT me :D

Ok, the first one that I can remember was Thursday.

My auntie was supposed to pick me up from school. Kaz and I were waiting for her to pick us up, when we saw a white van pull up to the coffee shop.

The Turnaround by me.

Apart from You, the world is sad and bleak.
My heart rends in thoughts of old selfish me.
Of grief and sorrow, I wish to be free.
Before this I was strong; now I am weak.
True joy and happiness, that I do seek.
Far from my Father I am in this sea
"Nearer to the shores of His heart!" I plea.
It's been so long since I've heard Him speak.

On my knees, I lift my hands and cry out:
"Father, come rescue me! I am hopeless,
Tired and sorry I am in this mess!
Lord, give me peace so I no longer doubt.
Your love covers me. With joy, I want to shout!
In thankfulness, Your name I'll gladly bless.

Lesson in Disguise by me.

There's one thing I can't stand. Disappointment.
My heart feels like it's being squeezed and torn.
Expectations have been shot and I mourn.
Tears fall down my face. It feels like torment.
I had high hopes, but now they have been rent.
Former dreams lay discarded and forlorn
Beneath the darkness the sun of the morn
Never touches. Could this be Heaven sent?

This question I've pondered many a time.
Could there be reason behind my lost hope?
Shattering my dreams is cleansing like soap
For my soul to strip me of selfish grime.
Empty of myself, upwards do I climb.
Hopeful and grace-filled. No more can I mope.

True Beauty.

True beauty is confidence. Not self-esteem, but Christ-esteem. When you finally believe you are accepted in the Beloved and loved beyond measure, you realize your identity is in your Father. And child-like faith in your Father brings about the child-like innocence and true beauty in you.

:D I don't know. It all ties together somehow. My Mac's battery is going to die...:(

Another pet peeve.

You know what I think is really ridiculous? Teenage girls. Oh my word, they really get on my nerves!!! I know...I am one of them, but I cannot stand my own kind.

Like you know how girls post up really gorgeous pictures of themselves and then have a little caption that says "I'm so ugly!"? Ok, that is annoying to the max. And then the next picture they have a caption that says "I love to be me!" Ok, if you love to be yourself, why can't you be happy with the way God made you?

Maybe I'm not giving us enough credit, since I do realize girls do that because they're insecure and are looking for attention, and the only way to get over that is to find ultimate security in Christ's acceptance.

But in all honesty, GET OVER YOURSELF. You are not ugly. God made us in His image. When you tell Him you don't think you're beautiful, you are telling God He made a mistake. If I were God, that would hurt me so bad.

Start a revolution. Stop hating your body.

P.S. Two minutes after writing this blog, I saw a group on Facebook that says "I hate when girls think being stupid is cute." Right on.

Midnight half-thoughts.

I couldn't go to sleep last night for the longest time. I was in one of those delirious states where I am kind of sleeping but aware that I really am not. Maybe I'm the only one who ever gets like that, but when it does happen to me, I end up thinking these super crazy thoughts.

One of which was how there are two different ways to go about things. In writing, in math, in drama, in cooking, in art (and many other things, but these were the main ones I was thinking about), there is a systematic, rule-book way of executing the task. And there is a free-spirited, wing-it kind of way to do finish the thing.

For example, writing (in its basic form) is grammar and vocabulary. The grammar is the syntax of the sentence and the vocabulary is the choice of words. You could write a sentence following all the rules of the English language (which is actually like a TON of rules to follow), and it could be the most grammatically perfect sentence of all. Or you could write a sentence from the top of your head (or inside your heart, in my case), and it could be the worst sentence known to mankind. But where does quality lie? In a set of rules or from someone's deepest feelings?

Or you could just totally eliminate my ideas, and write grammatically correct from inspiration. You know, whatevs. They're delirious midnight half-thoughts, so they aren't going to be fool-proof.

Random Tuesday things.

So I went to Kmart last night and bought a few things. I bought a new razor. It is super cute. It's called Schick Silk Effects Plus. It prevents against nicks and cuts, but I didn't buy it because of that...I bought it because it was $5.99 and had a cute handle. :D I know...I kind of buy into advertising. It's purple and has yellow butterflies and pink flowers. :D

I also bought Curel Continuous Comfort, and it is some pretty darn good lotion, lemme tell you. If Asia, a swimmer (whose skin is quite dry frequently), loves this lotion and it works for her, it will work for you! :D

Oh yeah, I saw the new OxyClean commercials...and that guy with like an Aussie accent cannot persuade me to buy OxyClean quite like Billy Mays can. :( Tears.

I was crying like half an hour ago, because good things that I've tried to do today keep going sour. I made lunch for Kaz and me, but his part of the mac and cheese ended up on the floor. :( Then I volunteered to make some pasta for dinner, since Dad was working and Mom was at a meeting...then that got shot down too. SO I cried into my pillow telling God I was so sick of myself, and that I seriously need an attitude adjustment. I asked Him to please show me what I should do...but then I ended up falling asleep....

BUT! Dad walked into my room, flipped the lights on, and BAM! We were making plans to go to the store to buy Italian sausage and fettucine noodles. Oh joy! :D

Speaking of the store..I posted this as my Facebook status, but seriously, does anyone else dress up to go to the store even though you know you'll be home in less than an hour or so?

Just wondering :D Peace out, girl scouts.

Another list.

Just because I feel like it.

Things I'm going to get done this summer:

1. I'm going to sew two dresses all by myself!
2. Go on some hikes to new places.
3. Write another short story.
4. Bake a cake for someone to surprise them!
5. Get a job and make some money, seriously.
6. Blog more often! Hah!
7. Speak in an accent for a whole day.
8. Go camping.
9. Lead someone to Jesus.
10. Teach a Sunday school class. :D

I feel bad that the spiritual goals are at the end of the list...:(

One more thing

We went on a boat trip this weekend as a part of our Leadership Retreat. Oh man oh man oh man! It was like I have not lived on this island for the past 16 (more or less) years! It was like seeing that rich cobalt blue water for the very first time in my life! It was beautiful...breath taking! I was just amazed. I tried to write something from it, but all I could come up with was one line that barely even makes any sense.

The unforgiving, unmerciful waves of the sea.

That's all. I was too distracted to really think of anything. At any rate, I'm updating my blog to say that I saw this really neat little niche in the rocky part of the shore. There was a rope descending from the top and down into the water. It was so cool. It looked like the end of some hike in the lower parts of Guam. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't figure out the location of our boat. I just knew we were heading to the southern end of the island. :)

I said that I am adding that to my Bucket List. I've crossed off a few things, so I'm adding a couple more so that it'll still be a list of a 100 things. Before I die, I'm going on that hike and climbing down that rope into the ocean (unless that's unsafe, then I will just go down the rope).

That's all. :D

YAC Story

Ruth Anne Natividad 15

February 25, 2010

Research

YAC Story

In My Father’s Love

Relationships are very dynamic and interesting. The one I’m particularly fond of is the relationship between a father and his daughter. There is just a sweet and special bond of tenderness between them.

Before I was born, my dad really wanted a baby girl. When my parents found out my mom was pregnant, Dad prayed so hard that God would bless them with a girl.

And then I was born. The baby girl my daddy always wanted. Georgiana Nelson. That’s where my story begins.

Ever since I was a little girl, Dad and I always have done memorable things together. We would go on outings to the beach or wash his truck or fix things around the house. I was my dad’s little helper.

“Daddy, can you come with me to throw the trash? But I’m tired. Can you give me a piggy back ride?”

“Okay, Sweetheart. Go get the trash.”

We headed out the back door and walked towards the dumpster around the corner from our house. Mom always asked me to take out the trash even though I really couldn’t have ever handled it by myself. Mom was wise like that. She knew it was bonding time with my dad.

“Daddy, thanks for coming with me.”

“You’re welcome. Go get ready for bed now. I love you.”

“I love you too, Daddy.”

Dad was my hero. In my eyes, he was everything I wanted to grow up to be: faithful, loving, and hardworking. He worked so hard to provide for our family. He loved my mother and he loved me.

My favorite thing to do with my dad was paint. Dad was always into art. He was the one who inspired me to start painting. We would spend hours in the backyard just painting together. Our favorite subject to paint was always my mom. My fondest memories were with Mom and Dad like that. I was their little girl.

Things changed as I got older. Priorities shifted. School took up more of my time. Art became an even bigger part of my life, and the part of my life I shared with my dad dwindled.

At the time, I didn’t know what was happening. Dad and I grew apart. I wasn’t at home as much, and Dad just seemed so distant. I also didn’t know how much his presence influenced me.

Eventually, I started realizing what was happening to us. Every time I looked for my dad, he wasn’t there. I didn’t even remember the last time I told my dad I loved him. All the time I used to spend with my dad was now spent at school and working on my artwork. It made me feel empty inside. I felt like I just let the sweet relationship with my dad die.

So I tried to fix things. Mom sometimes goes on business trips out of state, leaving Dad and me home. I thought this was an opportune moment to make up for lost time. I was so excited. I holed up in my room for a whole afternoon just planning for something Dad and I could do together.

When I was all done, I decided I would ask him if we could go out for lunch after church on Sunday. It was simple.

That evening I went up to my dad.

“Hey, Dad, do you think you and I could have lunch together this coming Sunday?”

“Sure, honey. That sounds good.”

Perfect. I was so happy! Now Dad and I had some time just for us to catch up.

Then came Sunday. Dad and I were in his truck driving home from church. We stopped at the intersection where he would have to decide either to turn left toward the way to the restaurant or to turn right towards our house. He turned right, and in that instant, my stomach dropped.

“Daddy? I thought we were going to have lunch?”

“No, we’re going home.”

“But, Dad, you said we were going to have lunch with me. Remember I asked you last Tuesday? Do you remember?”

“Oh, I was just kidding. We’re going home.”

Just kidding? What was that supposed to mean? I didn’t understand. I tried to hold the tears back. I was so excited to do spend time with my dad. I missed him, and I just wanted to know if I was still important to him. I just wanted to spend time with my daddy.

We did go home. I made my way to my room. I tried to act like everything was fine. I mean, it was just lunch anyway. It’s not a big deal.

But in reality, it was a big deal to me. Honestly, I didn’t really know why. It just really crushed my expectations. I finally realized our relationship was changing. I put effort into reversing that change, but I still got burned.

I sat on the floor of my room. Just sat there. My mind was racing trying to rationalize the way I felt. My mind was trying to convince my heart that I shouldn’t be hurt that we didn’t go out for lunch. I started crying. I was hurt.

I didn’t really know if Dad loved me. I know that sounds really bad, but hear me out. Oh, I knew he loved me, but I didn’t know if it was the “Oh, yeah…I love her because she’s my daughter.” kind. I wanted to know if Dad loved me like the “OH yes I LOVE her. She’s my daughter.” I didn’t know if anyone else had ever felt that way, or if this was just a father-daughter thing, but I know the hurt was real for me.

The phone rang. Reluctantly, I answered the phone. It was Mom. She could tell something was wrong, even though I tried to fake that I was fine. She is so my mom.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

I didn’t want to tell her. I hate admitting that I’m so vulnerable when it comes to my dad. The distance between Dad and I hurt a lot. It was something I could hide though. I didn’t want to feel the pain. I didn’t want Mom and Dad to know that I was so hurt, so insecure. I pushed it to the back of my mind, trying to find other ways to suppress that hurt and to fill up the emptiness.

“Mama, I just hurt inside. What happened? I don’t understand. Dad and I used to be close. He used to actually make time for me. He would take me to work and buy special sweets just for me.”

“Oh Sweetie, I know these last few months have been hard for you. You’re growing up and your time has to go to so many other things. Your dad doesn’t necessarily know how to relate to you in the way you need,” she explained.

“But I just want him to be there for me. We don’t have to do all the things we used to do…I just want to know he’s there, Mama.”

“You need to talk to him. You need to let him know how you feel, Baby.”

So I decided I was going to talk to Dad. He had to leave the house to go to work, so I couldn’t just talk to him right then. I was going to take the bus to the nearest stop by our church for evening service. I got to the church early, so I could be there on time and still call my dad up. I pulled my cell phone out of my purse, dialed Dad’s number and waited for him to answer.

My heart was beating so fast. Would I hurt him when I tell him how I felt? I was scared. It felt as if my heart was being opened and was being probed with a very sharp, pokey stick. I didn’t want to tell my dad how I was feeling.

Today. Today, I finally faced the music. The heartache and pain that I’ve pushed away for all these months, I finally understood why I hurt so much. I never wanted to admit that I was insecure in Dad’s love.

“Hey, how are you?”

I heard my dad’s low, gravelly voice on the other end of the line. Despite how hurt I felt, just hearing his voice calmed me. It reassured me that everything was going to be ok.

“Um, I’m ok.”

“No, you’re not. What’s wrong?”

“Daddy, do you love me?”

There was a long pause. I started to sweat. What was he going to say?

“Do you even have to ask? Georgiana Nelson. You are my daughter. I do love you.”

My dad knows me too well.

“Daddy, do you love me? I’m serious.”

“Yes, I love you. Unconditionally.”

“Daddy, are you proud of me?”

“Yes, so much. It’s a privilege to be your dad. I am proud of you. I don’t want you to question my love anymore. I’m your dad. I will always love you. No matter if we spend time together or not, you will always be my little girl.

Tears ran down my face in torrents. I sniffed and tried to pull myself together. This is what reconciliation feels like. This is what healing feels like. This is what it feels like to be loved.

“Thanks, Daddy. That means a lot.”

And in that moment, I knew. I knew that the bond I have with my dad, just being his daughter tied us together far deeper than I will ever know. I may grow up and things my change, but I knew right then that I will always rest peacefully in my father’s love.

Eeeeek!

So this month has been FLYING!! Seriously! I think it's so funny that whenever I update, I usually talk about how much time has passed!

Anyway! This month has been full of events! The third of this month was Asia's SEVENTEENTH birthday!! Can you believe that?! She and I have been friends for thirteen years now! Amazing! :D I treasure our friendship so so so much. She and I used to be so much closer, but since we don't have many classes together, we hardly get to catch up. But when we finally do get together, we just pick up where we last left off. It's so refreshing. Asia is almost the complete opposite of me in so many ways! God's used that about our friendship to make us so strong. Ironically, it makes it easier to relate to each other and understand each other. There are no expectations, no superficiality in our friendship. I love that girl. :D

Oh yeah, apparently, I've been like so out of the loop in the Junior class. Wednesdays are "Big Earring Wednesday." Various groups in my class have special days, like one day all the girls wear the boots they have. And then another day, it's "Smokey eye makeup" day. I don't know. It's kind of fun. I've never participated in any of it. :) I've never been informed of it all either though! So whatever :D

Hmm, I'm writing this short story for the Young Author's Competition. It's about this girl who grew up with a really close relationship with her dad, and it's kind of just a spin on a coming of age story. Hopefully it'll be good. :D It's called In My Father's Love. It's totally all personal experience. It makes me cry just writing it. Ok, I personally really hate short stories about love stories. They are so cliche and irritating. If you are writing to win, you will not win. I write to win, honestly. I write to write, definitely. But when there is a competition that I'm in and it's something I'm good at, I am going to write to win.

Big sighs.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that most every female can identify with this girl. She's a reoccurring subject.

She's got a bumper like a billboard Covered in stickers of her favorite bands She's got a handful of records that she turns to  When she needs to land She's a saturday night parade through the streets That all eyes come to see including me  She carries memories around like souvenirs down in her pockets She should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it Says forgiveness ain't nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul That never rolls  Chours: For as much as she stumbled she's runnin' For as much as she runs she's still here Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven To make the damage of her days disappear Just like Guinevere Just like Guinevere  She don't hold onto nothin' new for very long Yeah she writes you in as just one more tale and then you're gone 'Cause she once fell hard 'cause she dropped her guard And no one gets to stay it's just too late  Repeat Chorus  For as much as she stumbled she's runnin' For as much as she runs she's still here  For as much as she stumbled she's runnin' For as much as she runs she's still here Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven To make the damage of her days disappear Just like Guinevere Just like Guinevere  Lean into me Guinevere Be mine tonight Guinevere

The Library.

I am a frequent visitor to the library, whether that be the public library or the school library. I don't know. I am a bibliophile. I love books. :D

I went to the public library today, and I borrowed 5 books. 3 of which I've already finished reading. One was like a cultural history of the US during the 1960s, and another was about Civil Rights and the Voice of the People, another one was about something like the United States military...um...policy. I don't remember what it's called. Another one was a biography of James K. Polk...America's first "dark horse" and also probably America's hardest working president, who actually died 4 months after his term because he worked so hard. :( Another book was about Birth Order, and how the order in which you were born affects something psychologically about you. I'm a "psychological only child." I'm not REALLY an only child, but I basically grew up like one. Hmmm...I can't remember anything else.

I'm reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and I think I feel bad for him.

My Bucket List.

Ok, so I was flipping channels on the TV today, and I came across this new TV show. It was interesting. :) Ok, so like it's a show on MTV, so I don't think it's very clean, but the basic idea of the show was kind of cool. It's called The Buried Life. It's about these four guys who got tired of living a monotonous life, so they got together and made a list of all the things they wanted to do before they die. Now, they are doing every single one of the things on their list, but here's something extra: for every thing they cross off their list, they help someone else do something on their list. :) It's kind of neat. :)

It made me think of my list of things that I wanted to do before I died.

My list :D

100 things I want to do before I die. (I told you I love lists)

1. Get my divers license...or whatever it's called. (Forget driving, I want to DIVE)

2. Find out which HBBI girl led me to Jesus when I was 3 1/2.

3. Live on a farm. (Even for just a bit, doesn't have to be forever)

4. Buy one, just one, super amazing dress that I can wear a million times and it'll still look cute every single time. (I think this is just a girl thing)

5. Write a devotional book called Beauty from Ashes. (That's a verse in Isaiah, by the way)

6. Get married. :) (Gotta put that in...hey, it's on everyone's list like this)

7. Build a treehouse. By myself.

8. Meet someone who doesn't think I'm completely a dork. (This may have been done already...without my knowledge of so)

9. Go deep, deep sea fishing.

10. Stand at the top of a lighthouse (not at night).

11. Cut grass with those lawn mowers you sit on. (I know. I'm weird.)

12. Visit Coram's Fields, the preschool I went to when we lived in England.

13. See if the sheep I used to try to ride are still there.

14. Go sailing...and sleep on the boat...somewhere in the middle of the ocean, under the stars, where it's DARK. Oh it'd be beautiful.

15. Visit the Painted Desert.

16. Get married to someone who can cook up some deeeelicious biscuits and gravy. (Once again, don't ask. I love, love, love that stuff)

17. Learn how to take some decent pictures.

18. Teach a 2nd grade class, even for just a day.

19. Climb a mountain. A real one. ;P

20. Ride a camel. Or a llama.

21. Get my writing published.

22. Leave Harvest/Guam long enough to miss it and come back and see how it's changed.

23. Meet up with people I grew up with...but no longer live here.

24. Walk in a park and vaguely hear some brilliant person playing...(think August Rush haha)

25. Learn how to tell time. Well. (I know how. I'm just horrible at it.)

26. Learn how to multiply by 9. (Uhhh, I was very distracted when we learned how to do this in elementary)

27. Raise a family.

28. Visit the zoo. Everyday for a week.

29. Go on a hike, where the whole time we're walking through mud...like knee-deep. (love it)

30. Get some weird janitorial/housekeeping job in college. (for some reason I really want to do this)

31. Dance under the stars.

32. Grow a garden of flowers. All over the place. In tires. In the ground. In old barbeque grills. In old drums. In buckets. In old toilets. Everywhere.

33. Paint a picture on the wall with my hands.

34. Roll down a hill.

35. Roller skate everywhere, just for a day.

36. Make homemade ice cream.

37. Decorate a house.

38. Work in a bakery.

39. Go to my best friend's wedding. (This is implying that she gets married before she dies)

40. Write a letter at least once to every person that means something to me. (I better get started. I'd be writing a million letters)

41. Visit a Holocaust museum.

42. Run a 5k. Like run. Like all of it.

43. Live on some island off of the coast of Alaska, even just for a month...or a week.

44. Swim in the Mediterranean.

45. Bike through the English countryside. Just a wad of cash, the clothes on my back and a toothbrush.

46. Get a crazy haircut.

47. Bring back the 1940's style.

48. Star in a major play...somewhere.

49. Meet someone like me. Like...JUST LIKE ME. But not me.

50. Meet my doppleganger theory person...(look it up)

51. Help support finding the cure for cancer. Somehow. Even more.

52. Figure out my family tree.

53. Go camping. For longer than just the weekend.

54. Catch fireflies.

55. Own a little rowboat.

56. Jump in lake of freezing cold water. (not the kind that will me get that hypothermia thing)

57. Ride in a helicopter.

58. Road trip.

59. Live in a house where there are at least 3 bookshelves in almost every room.

60. Find the perfect blend of tea, water, milk and sugar.

61. Climb a really, really big tree.

62. Visit missionaries all over the world.

63. Get in a submarine. Not like the silly Nautilus tourist submarine, but a...legit one.

64. Be involved in full-time ministry. :)

65. Make a quilt.

66. Go hunting. (I don't know...it sounds...not Ruthie at all, but it does sound interesting)

67. Ice skate...like better than when I was little.

68. Meet a boy who writes like I do. (This also may have been done. I don't remember)

69. Ride in a little teeny weeny airplane.

70. Drive a truck, a big one.

71. Raise bees. (I like weird things. I've been inspired.)

72. Find an instrument I can really play...

73. Touch someone's life. Even just once.

74. Get lost in the city with someone else I know.

75. Visit a castle. An old one...not one that's been turned into some tourist trap.

76. Grow up to be one of those sweet, sweet old ladies.

77. Stay friends, yea best friends with Asia. More than just on facebook. ;)

78. Count how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

79. Learn how to ride a horse. Well.

80. Own a huge aquarium of fish.

81. Stumble upon a hidden garden.

82. Be part of a parade.

83. Go to a fair.

84. Live somewhere cold.

85. Own a copy of everything Jane Austen's ever written.

86. (Get married) Name one of my sons after my husband. (well..it's true)

87. Find a way to be in the cafeteria when the lights are off. (I've figured out in all the 15 1/2 years I've been at Harvest, I've never been in the cafeteria when the lights are off)

88. Own a cat. (I hate cats.)

89. Go to the Olympics. (Hopefully, the London Olympics...there is actually a good chance of me being able to go...randomly)

90. Find more books by David Lubar.

91. Visit Stratford-Upon-Avon, where Shakespeare's from.

92. Perform one of Shakespeare's plays.

93. Live to see the day we get lights for our soccer field at Harvest.

94. Sink a 3 pointer.

95. Watch Asia swim the English Channel and live to tell about it.

96. Be a witness like that little old man in Australia.

97. Start a phenomenon.

98. See more and more of my relatives get saved.

99. Eat some REAL spicy food. All kinds. spicy :)

100. Tell someone how much they really, truly mean to me and how much I love them.

I love lists.

What I've accomplished since I first wrote this. :D

8. Meet someone who doesn't think I'm completely a dork
22. Leave Harvest/Guam long enough to miss it and come back and see how it's changed. (three weeks in the States is long enough)
37. Decorate a house.
49. Meet someone like me. Like...JUST LIKE ME. But not me.

So now I have 96 things on my list. :D

On a brighter note.

245 days.
35 weeks.
8 months.


I think that is wayyy cool.

An anti-climactic post.

I know that the last post was all nice and warm and fuzzy, and it would be kind of ironic to not write anything sentimental to follow such a sweet post, but...I really gotta say something.

So there are these people that I used to know, and they are like sort of my age?? I don't really know. But have you ever come across people that you did not ever get along with? Well, I have. And I just feel so funny right now!! :) It's kind of silly really. But I'm thinking back to about two years ago and all of the things that did happen that I didn't know about...I don't know. It's just an interesting memory...awkward, even. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Anyway...

Happy New Year's!!!

Happy New Year's everyone!!! We went to the beach right by the Outrigger and watched the fireworks. And of course, we took a few pictures. :D Here are some. :) Hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed year!!! God bless. :D