For some strange reason, I feel so hurt. Like I'm being punished for something I never did. Now I'm seriously trying hard to function as normally as possible and NOT act super melodramatic. Surprisingly, I've somehow managed to cry very little. I feel as if I cried as much as I really feel like crying, I would drown the whole world. Like everytime I think about what happened, or really what's going on, I get this weird heavy feeling in my chest, and it feels like I can't breathe, like I'm being suffocated by sadness and there is no remedy, but there is and I know it. And I need it. Desperately. I think the only reasons I'm still alive are because one, I'm scared out of my mind to ever attempt anything, and two, Jesus knows what's up. He knows I'm incredibly hurt. He knows He's the only real reason I'm trying not to be bitter. I don't think I'm angry or anything. I know I'm completely confused right now. David's Psalms never meant so much to me before. Well, I really wish a lot of things right now and I still don't know how I really feel or what I should do. But I do know: God's love is BETTER than life.
-The next night
It's cold out tonight. The sky is unbelievably clear. I can hear voices of loved ones and undertones of crickets chirping. In contrast to last night, I feel so strong, so empowered, so safe. I feel so loved. It's an incredible feeling knowing you are loved. Not only by people, although that is definitely wonderful, but also by an omniscient, omnipotent God. He's so awesome, no one and nothing will ever compare. Someone once told me that God is like the sun and everything else gets washed out in comparison to the sun's radiance. It's a glorious thing. There's another thing. You know what's pretty interesting? Flux. Change hurts a lot of the time, but in retrospect, it's totally...exciting? Ok, maybe not quite, but it surely keeps things from getting boring.
stuff from Dec '07
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