Do I really need a reason?

Currently-like right now at 20:46 on a Friday night the 24th of April of 2009 (gotta love the details), 

I am thankful.

I am happy.

I am moved.

I am joyful.

I am soaring a million miles off the ground.

No words I could come up with can do justice to the bubbling emotion building up inside of me.

It's a feeling of knowing.

A feeling of admiration.

A feeling of honor.

A feeling of gratefulness.

A feeling of acceptance.

A feeling of respect.

A feeling of deep, deep...like. 

I don't know how to explain it. I don't know when it started. I don't know what it is. 

When did you let your heart run free?

Was it out of the blue?

Have you been waiting long?

I love this feeling.

I am so, so thankful. Many amazing things happened today.

(Luke is ridiculous.) 

If only I had the words to write it, the music to play it, and the paintbrush to capture it.

But most importantly, the people to share it with. 

It's beautiful.  

Wednesday.

List. 

-I fell asleep in class today. I fell asleep in English. Horrible. We were watching a video about Shakespeare, which is interesting, but I already knew that stuff. I sit in front of the a/c, so I was all cozy like...so I just dozed off. It was weird. I never do that. 

-We took a mondo crazy test in Bio today. I was the first one to finish, like always, but I sort of made up half of the test, so maybe that didn't really count.

-Our chapel was really good. I know that I should probably expound on that, but I am too distracted to write something worthwhile.

I don't really remember what happened today....I'm beginning to forget a HEAP of things. Maybe this is what happens when I'm behind on my journal!!! Argh. It's ok. 

And every time I try to think about what I want or what I "remember"...I only think of me wanting flowers. It's pretty weird. 

I JUST WANT IT TO BE SUMMER ALREADY. Sort of.  No...I'm glad we still have school....

4 weeks from today. SUMMER. 

Tuesday.

News/highlights/ramblings...

-I am now officially one week behind on my journal. I'm at Wednesday of last week...My memory will eventually fail me. D:

-The guys just won their game against GW tonight. And it was pretty much the most amazing game (well, one of them) I've been to in awhile. It was insane. The JV team won in two sets, I think. In my opinion, either the other team was really off or our team was just owning them in the first set. (The grammar of that sentence irritates me, but I'm too lazy to fix it.) The second set practically killed me...So much suspense!!! Same with the Varsity game. Mariah predicted what was gonna happen, and she was right on. We'd win the first set (which we did), the second set would be really close and make it seem like we'd win (which happened) and would result in an even closer third set...but we'd still win. :) She said that GW isn't a team to give up so easily. 

Way to be then, guys. I love watching volleyball. The suspense is thrilling.

-All the paperwork for my science project is all finished, if only the rough drafts. ;)

I can't think of much else. D: 

Tomorrow's Wednesday. I love Wednesdays. For a million different reasons. (Don't worry. This one doesn't come with a list of why I love Wednesdays.) 

#26 and another Happy Monday.

Today was a really good day. 

Words to describe today:

-Rambunctious. 

-Fun-filled

-Ironic.

(by far the most accurate...)

-FREE.

Random highlights about today.

-I found out that the Skeenses (is that the right plural form of Skeens??) are leaving after this year. I'm bummed. When he told our class this during Algebra this afternoon, I wanted to cry. I don't know why...he's a cool teacher and I don't think I would have gotten this far in Algebra without failing without him. D: (maybe this isn't really a highlight...like in a good way, but hey it did happen...if that matters)

-I found out that I don't have to fail at science fair!!!! There is hope!!!

-I found out that Mrs. Denton has high expectations of me, and even though my classmates thought my dramatic piece was right on...she thought it was not satisfactory, not sufficient, not acceptable. Blegh. I'm not saying this in a proud way, but I suppose those expectations come when one knows that I'm in drama...and am somewhat good at acting. FAIL. She wants me to win first place at Finals this weekend, and I'm assuming she will not accept anything less than that. She thinks I can win first. She says I have to want it. I do...but not enough to really work my tail off...which I think is not really wanting it. FAIL. Whatever. I'm an NFL member. I'll be able to put that on my college apps. I'll get a cord at graduation. That's enough for me. I like theatre acting, not competition acting.

-I found out that I have a chance at being recommended into Honors English next year!!! But the only thing in the way of that recommendation is the fact that I perpetually turn Vocab lists in late. And according to the English gurus at HCA, late homework is unacceptable and intolerable in Honors English. 

-I found out that I can be easily persuaded into telling people deep things about myself I didn't know I was going to share with them in the first place. I think I'm overly transparent. Is that possible? Well, if it is, then that's what I am.

Ok. I just realized that each new thing I wrote about in this list started out with "I found out that." Weird. 

In other news, clapping chalkboard erasers is actually bad for you. I don't know why teachers make kids do that...I mean, I don't think that inhaling chalk dust is healthy. Anyway, I had to do that today, out of my own volition, however. It brought back memories. I was helping Miss Martin in her classroom, cleaning her chalkboard amongst other things. :) Funny. I laughed so hard when I was all done. My laughter is explosive I've found out, and it's far, far, far too loud.

Oh. About #26. #26 on my list of what I want to do before I die (or as Jon affectionately called it, "Ruthie's Bucket List") is "Learn how to multiply by 9." GUESS WHAT?!?!

I learned how to multiply by 9 today! I'm so proud of myself. And of all the random people to teach me such an intellectual feat, Luke taught me!!! Isn't that awesome?? Well. I actually think it's funny...and ironic. Just kidding, Luke!!!  Anyway, he taught me how using my hands. If whoever reads this (which I actually think is just like...two people) ever wanted to know, I'd be more than glad to teach you how to multiply by 9 with your hands!! It's fun!!

There, Luke. Happier?

All right. I'm off to go pursue that hope for my science project.

I love being Ruthie. 

It's awesome. I wonder if anyone would like to try it sometime.

Wait. That might be dangerous. I'm an expert at being me and I still get hurt about every 5 minutes. ;) Just kidding.

 I love Mondays too. :) 

This is me.

*sigh* I don't really know what to say....

Let's just start with facts.

My name is Ruthie.

I'm a broken person.

My heart hurts. 

I have some major insecurities.

Most people think I'm happy all the time, and I usually am....

But deep down, my heart longs for love. 

No, not weird wanna-be-loved-by-a-boy kind of love. 

Just to be loved.

Totally and completely.

Regardless of who I am and what I've done.

I've grown up thinking that I was exempt from feeling this way.

Just because Mom and Dad stayed together.

Just because I had my Dad around while I was growing up.

Just because Mom and I had a really good relationship. 

Just because my sister and I never really fought and I never really knew how she felt about me.

All my life, I never really knew if Dad loved me. 

Oh, I knew he loved me, but I didn't know if it was the "oh yeah I love her 'cause she's my daughter"...I wanted to know if Dad loved me like the "OH yes I LOVE her. She's my daughter." I don't know if anyone else has felt this way...or if this was just a father-daughter thing, but I know the hurt was real for me. 

Oh, it hurt a lot. It was something I could hide, though. I didn't want to feel the pain...I didn't want other people to know that I didn't know, or was so hurt, or was so insecure. I pushed it to the back of mind, trying to find other ways to suppress that hurt and to fill up the emptiness.

Elementary it was getting good grades.

6th grade it was swimming and working myself so hard to the point where I passed out. Twice.

7th grade it was rebellion and bad friends.

8th grade it was being loud and overly outgoing. Putting on face for people.

9th grade it was wrong relationships.

10th grade...now? I don't know. Hanging out with the guys because they cared. If that makes sense.

"I tried to be perfect.

I tried to be honest.

I tried to be everything that you ever wanted.

I tried to be stronger.

I tried to be smarter.

I tried to be everything but you..."

That's pretty much what I had been thinking all these years. 

Today. Today, I finally faced the music. The heartache and pain that I've pushed away for all these years, I finally understood why I hurt so much. I never wanted to admit that I was insecure, never wanted to admit that I hurt. Finally, I realized that- yes, I did want to know if Dad loved me. yes, I was hurting. yes, it was ok that I was hurting....but what I did with that hurt was wrong. I tried to fix it myself. I tried to take control. I tried to be God. FAIL. 

It never hit me that God's love overwhelms emptiness, heartache and pain. He loves me. Far greater than I can ever, ever, ever imagine. He loves me. Totally and completely. With perfect love. The kind that won't hurt me. And He loves me....regardless of who I am and what I've done. Today. I was broken, but not the same kind of broken that I've felt all these years...the useless kind. Today I was broken...the kind where I know I've been completely emptied of myself and I'm in the perfect place to be used by God. 

I knew that I couldn't stay like this...hurt...forever. Before service tonight, I called Dad up. I told my dad I loved him. I told Dad that I was sorry. I was sorry for letting myself hurt like this. I was sorry that I never told him that I felt like this. I was sorry that I believed Satan's lie that my dad doesn't love me. My dad does. Immensely. I kick myself now at the ridiculous ideas I've had before tonight. I asked Dad, "Do you love me, Daddy?" My dad knows me too well. "Do you even have to ask? You're my daughter." "Daddy, do you love me? I'm serious." "Yes, I love you. Unconditionally." "Daddy, are you proud of me?" "Yes, so much. It's a privilege to be your dad. I am proud of you." "Daddy, I'm sorry that this meant so much to me. I'm sorry that I'm so hurt." "Ruthie. I know. And I'm sorry. It's ok." Tears were streaming down my face. 

*pause. Ruthie, remember feeling that? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This is what reconciliation feels like. Deep breath. This is what healing feels like. Tears. 

This is what it feels like to be loved....*

I finally realized that Dad speaks a whole 'nother love language than I do. 

I realized that Dad does love me. He really truly does.

He just doesn't show it like I do. 

Miscommunication. It bites.

I never thought this day would come. 

But I'm glad it did. I don't know how to describe what this feels like, but I now know that one day, I'll meet someone in the exact same spot as me, and I'll be able to talk to them with experience. I'll be able to tell them of God's wondrous love. I'll be able to tell them how God heals hearts. I'll be able to tell them how good my God is, and how we don't have to work for His love. I'll be able to be used by God in a way that someone who's never experienced this ever will be able to. 

Channels only, blessed Master.

But with all Thy wondrous power

Flowing through us

Thou canst use us

Every day and every hour. 

Here's the facts:

I'm Ruthie.

I'm a broken person.

My heart hurts.

But God is good.

And God can use broken people.

Enough.

I'm tired...and sick of feeling like this.

I'm tired of being strong.

I'm tired of feeling this.

I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm ok....

I don't want this anymore...

I don't want anything anymore....

My heart hurts so much....

I don't want this...

I'm tired of being disappointed.

Windows.

My love's eyes are like emerald seas,

And they glisten in the sun.

Under the moon they shine brighter still.

When I choose to look awhile, 

I fall into the depths of their mystery.

As I gaze into their vast forever, 

I realize that I am peering into the windows of his soul.

A soul so rich and full of life and wonder.

But I only stay awhile, 

For that while may turn into forever,

And forevers cease to satisfy.

-Asia and I wrote this today. Miss Martin asked us to write a poem for her. :)

Oh, and Luke...this is what it was. 

To be honest, I think this "poem" is just full of meta-statements.