Let's just start with facts.
My name is Ruthie.
I'm a broken person.
My heart hurts.
I have some major insecurities.
Most people think I'm happy all the time, and I usually am....
But deep down, my heart longs for love.
No, not weird wanna-be-loved-by-a-boy kind of love.
Just to be loved.
Totally and completely.
Regardless of who I am and what I've done.
I've grown up thinking that I was exempt from feeling this way.
Just because Mom and Dad stayed together.
Just because I had my Dad around while I was growing up.
Just because Mom and I had a really good relationship.
Just because my sister and I never really fought and I never really knew how she felt about me.
All my life, I never really knew if Dad loved me.
Oh, I knew he loved me, but I didn't know if it was the "oh yeah I love her 'cause she's my daughter"...I wanted to know if Dad loved me like the "OH yes I LOVE her. She's my daughter." I don't know if anyone else has felt this way...or if this was just a father-daughter thing, but I know the hurt was real for me.
Oh, it hurt a lot. It was something I could hide, though. I didn't want to feel the pain...I didn't want other people to know that I didn't know, or was so hurt, or was so insecure. I pushed it to the back of mind, trying to find other ways to suppress that hurt and to fill up the emptiness.
Elementary it was getting good grades.
6th grade it was swimming and working myself so hard to the point where I passed out. Twice.
7th grade it was rebellion and bad friends.
8th grade it was being loud and overly outgoing. Putting on face for people.
9th grade it was wrong relationships.
10th grade...now? I don't know. Hanging out with the guys because they cared. If that makes sense.
"I tried to be perfect.
I tried to be honest.
I tried to be everything that you ever wanted.
I tried to be stronger.
I tried to be smarter.
I tried to be everything but you..."
That's pretty much what I had been thinking all these years.
Today. Today, I finally faced the music. The heartache and pain that I've pushed away for all these years, I finally understood why I hurt so much. I never wanted to admit that I was insecure, never wanted to admit that I hurt. Finally, I realized that- yes, I did want to know if Dad loved me. yes, I was hurting. yes, it was ok that I was hurting....but what I did with that hurt was wrong. I tried to fix it myself. I tried to take control. I tried to be God. FAIL.
It never hit me that God's love overwhelms emptiness, heartache and pain. He loves me. Far greater than I can ever, ever, ever imagine. He loves me. Totally and completely. With perfect love. The kind that won't hurt me. And He loves me....regardless of who I am and what I've done. Today. I was broken, but not the same kind of broken that I've felt all these years...the useless kind. Today I was broken...the kind where I know I've been completely emptied of myself and I'm in the perfect place to be used by God.
I knew that I couldn't stay like this...hurt...forever. Before service tonight, I called Dad up. I told my dad I loved him. I told Dad that I was sorry. I was sorry for letting myself hurt like this. I was sorry that I never told him that I felt like this. I was sorry that I believed Satan's lie that my dad doesn't love me. My dad does. Immensely. I kick myself now at the ridiculous ideas I've had before tonight. I asked Dad, "Do you love me, Daddy?" My dad knows me too well. "Do you even have to ask? You're my daughter." "Daddy, do you love me? I'm serious." "Yes, I love you. Unconditionally." "Daddy, are you proud of me?" "Yes, so much. It's a privilege to be your dad. I am proud of you." "Daddy, I'm sorry that this meant so much to me. I'm sorry that I'm so hurt." "Ruthie. I know. And I'm sorry. It's ok." Tears were streaming down my face.
*pause. Ruthie, remember feeling that? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This is what reconciliation feels like. Deep breath. This is what healing feels like. Tears.
This is what it feels like to be loved....*
I finally realized that Dad speaks a whole 'nother love language than I do.
I realized that Dad does love me. He really truly does.
He just doesn't show it like I do.
Miscommunication. It bites.
I never thought this day would come.
But I'm glad it did. I don't know how to describe what this feels like, but I now know that one day, I'll meet someone in the exact same spot as me, and I'll be able to talk to them with experience. I'll be able to tell them of God's wondrous love. I'll be able to tell them how God heals hearts. I'll be able to tell them how good my God is, and how we don't have to work for His love. I'll be able to be used by God in a way that someone who's never experienced this ever will be able to.
Channels only, blessed Master.
But with all Thy wondrous power
Flowing through us
Thou canst use us
Every day and every hour.
Here's the facts:
I'm Ruthie.
I'm a broken person.
My heart hurts.
But God is good.
And God can use broken people.
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