Change.

For some strange reason, I feel so hurt...like I'm being punished for something I never did. Now I'm seriously trying hard to function as normally as possible and NOT act super melodramatic. Surprisingly, I've somehow managed to cry very little. I feel as if I cried as much as I really feel like crying, I would drown the whole world. Like every time I think about what happened, or really what's going on, I get this weird, heavy feeling in my chest, and it feels like I can't breathe, like I'm being suffocated by sadness and there is no remedy. But there is and I know it. And I need it. Desperately. I think the only reasons I'm still alive are, one I'm scared out of my mind to ever attempt anything, and two Jesus knows what's up. He knows I'm incredibly hurt. He knows He's the real reason I'm trying not to be bitter. I don't think I'm angry or anything. I know I'm completely confused right now. God's Word never meant so much to before right now. Well, I really wish a lot of things, and I still don't know how I really feel or what I should do. But I do know: God's love is BETTER than life.

I wrote that Christmas 2007, when Mom had to have surgery...and things were just really bad for her, for our family...for me.

I am sitting here at a fiesta-style table in the warm glow of Christmas lights. I can hear voices of people I honestly don't know, unlike the last time I wrote like this. But this time, there is a warmth in my heart that I did not quite have last time. I have found that as life changes, one must change with is or get lost in the current of the fast-moving river of life. 

Change is scary; it's probably the thing I'm most scared of in this world, but with change, comes progress, and we can never move forward without progress. Change brings fear only because when it comes, it is when one most believes life is good and would most love for the current state of things to stay the same. Change brings fear because it brings one to the edge of the unknown. Every thing one has thought and established is now crossing the point of difference.

That's where a very important choice comes in--the choice to linger in fear or the choice to take heart. The choice to give up that fear and let Jesus take the wheel. Trust. To know that through the change there is Someone who will be there every step of the way. No valley walked alone. No mountaintop left unrejoiced. I love that Jesus envelops us in His love. 

Courage to face the unknown, but trusting in the Lord "with whom there is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. (James 1:17)" All in all, change with the right perspective and focus on the right Person is good for us. Nothing ever happens without change, whether that be something good or bad, but "we know that all things work together for good to them that love God... (Romans 8:28)." And I love God. Therefore, that means God has something good in store no matter the circumstances.

Somehow the two entries tie together. I don't know how to write a segue accurately transitioning the two main thoughts...I know I write about change a lot. That's what 2008 has brought..for the most part.
Change. And Healing.

This has been on my mind a bunch lately...and I've been meaning to repost this for a couple weeks now, I just didn't know where I had posted it...:)