Emotionally worn-out.

I can officially say that for the SECOND time in my life, I have felt almost every emotion in the world there is to feel today.
Officially. :)
Now If you're going to read this, please don't miss the end.
It's ok to skip the middle, but the end...that's what this is about.

Let's see.
I got in a fight with my best friend today.
I made her cry.
I made her angry.
Two things that NEVER happen.
Asia hardly ever cries.
Asia hardly ever gets angry.
And she did both...today.
Because of me.

So like today after English class, Asia and I ALWAYS walk together to Skeens' classroom. Well, today, I walked behind her, and she did even acknowledge I was there. After dropping our stuff off in his classroom, she walks out ahead of me; she didn't wait for me; we ALWAYS wait for each other. Then as I fall in the queue for lunch, we make eye contact. I smile sweetly at her. She just stares at me like I have a big sign on my forehead that says, "Loser." I brushed it off. Maybe she wasn't feeling well. We're in queues right next to each other. She was talking to Patrick, and I wanted to talk to her too, so I called her, "Asia! Asia! Asia!" She wasn't responding. I just figured she couldn't hear me. Later, after moving up two people in our queue, I called her again. And again she didn't answer. I was seriously fed up. I knew that it wasn't just she "couldn't hear me." So..being the ridiculously bold person I am, I shouted, "ARE YOU IGNORING ME!!!!" She just looked at me like I was a frog and slowly nodded her head. Wow, I felt stupid. I continued to ask her if she was ok and what was wrong. She obviously didn't want to talk to me. Shoot. It was right then that I knew my best friend was angry. At me.

I sat down at our table, like nothing was wrong. She and Jan both looked at me like I had just interrupted them talking about me. Shoot. Carefully, I ate my food. I did not say a word, only when appropriate. There was like an invisible wall between the both of us. It was ridiculous. As soon as my food was finished, I left. I don't really remember where I went, but I remember that I started crying.

I made my way over to our break area when I knew it was break time. I saw Luke and Asia talking, and I was instantly angered. In my head, I thought, "What?? That girl has the audacity to tell THAT boy all that's going on? And she won't even tell ME! Good grief! She and I have been best friends since I was THREE YEARS OLD! And how long have we known Luke?? A YEAR AND A HALF." Ugh. I was so angry. I walked over there with the biggest attitude problem I have ever had in a really long time. I looked at her like there were daggers coming out of my eyes. I thought to myself, "GIRRRRL! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" Actually, it's pretty comical to think about it now.

Anyway. I made her talk. Man, if looks could kill, she would be dead. I was messed up. She told me what was wrong. (Note sudden mood swing) All of a sudden, what she had to say to me melted my heart. The pride and self-righteousness I felt inside of me and the anger on my face withered away and I just started CRYING! Not even funny. The people around us faded and all I could see was Asia and the tears streaming down her face. I gave her the biggest hug, and I whispered into her ear, "Girl! I love you. And I hate everything that hurts you, even if that's something I've done." She, now experiencing reconciliation, slowly whispered into my ear. "Nan, I love you." Those three words. They mean a lot.

Between friends.
Between best friends.
Between people.
Between God and me.
They change lives.
"I love you."

Love isn't tolerance. Love doesn't eliminate hate. Love channels that hate into loathing anything that will hurt the person it loves. That's one of the reasons God hates sin, because sin hurts His beloved. (God hates sin because He is a holy God, but for right now, that's a little beside the point...but it's still important!!!)

Today. I felt that too.
I felt hatred for thoughts and actions of mine that happened too early.
Thoughts and actions that started as seeds in a package.
But because of my haste and foolish thinking, I planted them.
And as all well-taken care of plants,
They bloomed.
My dreams as flowers danced happily and carefree in the cool spring air.
The flowers danced but for awhile.
The ever-glorious Sun knew that now wasn't the right time, but O Blessed Sun knew those flowers were watered by a heart that desired to do right, a heart that didn't want to get hurt, a heart that fully trusted that the Sun knew what He was doing.
That Sun gave me a pair of scissors today.
I snipped those flowers.
Maybe not quite in the bud, but they're not dancing in the breeze tonight.
I've taken them home.
And tucked them away.
I've folded them in with letters of hopes of mine.
One of those hopes...
Is to one day take those flowers that I planted...
And compare them with even more beautiful, even more precious flowers that the Sun grew all by Himself.
Not me. I didn't plant them. I just let the Sun do His thing.
And the Sun will do and has done a far better job than this sentimental dreamer that has her head in the clouds and her heart on her sleeve.