Dear blog,

It's been a rough day, in ways. I'm realizing that when things don't go my way or I'm disappointed, I get really grumpy. This is me not trusting God. Here we go again...

Hi, my name is Ruthie.

I'm not perfect. 

My heart breaks.

I have a really deep trust problem.

Most people think that I'm open to others and open to getting myself vulnerable.

They're right. To an extent.

I am open to people.

I purposely open up myself to them.

Why?

I want them to open up to me.

Some people can't do that, because they don't trust people.

I trust people.

But you see, that's my problem.

I trust people.

Who do I really need to be trusting?

GOD.PERIOD

Deep down, I would love to stop being disappointed. 

No, not just by other people.

But mainly disappointed with myself. 

I set my expectations far too high.

Today, after crying for a long while, I quit.

I quit expecting things from myself that I don't have.

I quit thinking I'm perfect.

I quit thinking I've got everything together.

I quit thinking I don't need help.

I quit thinking I can do this by myself. 

Truth is:

I'm not perfect.

I haven't got everything together.

I do need help.

I can't do this by myself. 

I put my desires and expectations in the hands of a loving Father that has known all these truths about me all this time. He's just been waiting for me to come to this point of realization. I need to trust God. It sounds so simple, so elementary. But it's foundational. If I don't trust God, all the things I know about Him are just that: things I know about Him; facts. 

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5 (emphasis mine)

From my heart to yours,

Ruthie