December notes.

Wow. I was rereading some of the stuff I wrote December 2008, and if I decided to write out all that I feel right now, I would have written the same thing twice.

12/6/08
"I hear we'll get our fair share of this in college. Who's to know?

Anyway...right now, God has been showing me a lot of things in my life that He needs to work on. I do believe it's growing time again. My heart feels like it has drifted from the shores of my Savior's own heart. There's this feeling of emptiness in me that doesn't seem to go away, and the saddest part is, I know how to fill it up, yet I keep trying to use other things to fill up that empty space--my God shaped hole.

God has been really rebuking me lately about my expectations. I set up such high expectations for people and myself, so when they or I don't fulfill them, I get really disappointed and my heart feels heavy. The crazy thing is, it's not even their fault. They don't even know that they've "hurt" me. It's just me...hurting...me. Silly, innit? Yet I know a lot of people do this. I think that's kind of the main reason I've been feeling discouraged.

God has also been showing me that I've put His love aside, and I'm settling for less than the best. I've put a higher place for people's love, affection, and approval before His. I've made "good things" idols and have set them on a high place. It hurts insanely, even just admitting it. It's like...if so-and-so doesn't talk to me, laugh at my jokes, spend time with me, or is nice to me, they don't love me. Therefore, I should go find someplace dark and cry and pout about it. Then I realize that it's all about me again...

And it hurts my heart so badly. I've been feeling so down and out lately. Ironic a bit, don't you think? Happy, perky Ruthie...discouraged? It's possible. Happy doesn't equal joyful. Joy isn't based on circumstances. I let my feelings govern what God's truth says.

"O give thanks unto the Lord; for He is good: because His mercy endureth forever....I called upon the Lord in distress : the Lord answered me, and set me in a large place. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?....It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man....The Lord is my strength and song, and is become my salvation....I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord. This is the day that the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it....Thou art my God, and I will praise thee; thou art my God, I will exalt Thee. O give thanks unto the Lord; for He is good: for His mercy endureth forever."


I don't want to fail...God is good, all the time, even when I am not."

Good stuff. I really needed to hear this. Ironic that it's something that I wrote like...6 months ago.